Well, my life has become an Onion article.

I go outside my building this morning, and I spot on my wrought iron fence a white piece of cloth flapping in the breeze. At first, I thought it was a small shirt. My inquisitive nature got the better of me, and I moved closer to investigate. Thankfully, I didn't have to touch the article to discover that it wasn't a shirt at all, but rather a pair of extra large white cotton panties.

This raises innumerable questions. I immediately went inside and left a tip on the FBI's website, so we'll see how this all pans out.

Hi there. I'm having a lovely morning filled with coffee and chocolates and newspapers. I'm listening to The Amps, which I haven't done in forever, and I'm feeling as impressed as ever with Kim Deal and her 4-track skills. Unfortunately, the last three or so tracks have become all skippy, and I'm trying to decide whether it's worth repairing. In other music news, I'm wondering why every copy of Louder Than Bombs I've ever owned (2) keeps disappearing from my possession. It's especially vexing, as that's one of my favorite Smiths albums, and among the most expensive as well.

Two words: Global dragnet.

Friday, I got my grades for my final semester. Five A's, and one B, from that damnable Math In Art & Nature class. This is especially impressive considering that I barely went to class this term. Then it goes from impressive to miraculous when you consider that, for my 'Creative People, Creative Products' class, I got about halfway through the written final before I wrote, addressing my professor: "I'm not going to bullshit my way through this test and insult your intelligence. I can't answer these questions."

I'm not that proud of that little fact, but I am very surprised. I calculated that I'd get a B in that class (I aced everything else in it) after blowing off the final. Don't practice what I preach, kids. I had a bad case of senioritis and that class was very skippable. You study.

If I were still a student, I'd be starting the spring semester tomorrow. If I come across $10,000 in the next 16 hours, I'm going to go back and take four or five classes. I really would if I could. If someone ponies up and slings some cash my way, I want that generous person to know that I'd be taking Screenwriting II, in which I'd be forced to write a feature length film, and, as a reward for that generosity, I'd make you the main character in the film. As the hero/heroine, you'd get the girl/boy, get revenge against the people with whom you went to highschool, win the big talent competition/big game/beauty paegeant, and save the world, all set to a kicky soundtrack.

Any takers?