Yeah, I�ll renew my gold membership one of these days.

The first thing I realized upon waking up yesterday morning was that I was late for work. Far too late. The second thing that came to mind was that it was imperative that I get this glass of water next to my bed into the kitchen. I don�t know why my mind chose that as a priority in my �Emergency! Must get to work!� high-adrenalin state, but it did. The next thing I became aware of was slipping on the kitchen tile, the glass of water flying into the air and onto me, with about a 60/40% distribution, respectively.

A moment later, as I reflected on my morning thus far, wondering why God was doing this to me, I felt pain coming from my left big toe, which was now bleeding from a massive cut somehow incurred during the slipping.

I went to work without a shower, and at the end of the day (which was long), I couldn�t find my parking pass which allows me to leave our lot. I searched my car for ten minutes, then went back to the office, where I discovered it had fallen out into my chair.

Next up was a venture to Target, where a trip for two specific toiletries turned into a $26 shopping spree. I had the good fortune to get into a checkout lane with a woman who told the clerk to delete every other item after learning what it cost. By the time I got to Subway, I was ready to murder, but mercifully, no one else was in line and the new sandwich artist had apparently learned English since my last visit. I made it home without incident, although I furiously punished a cigarette during the drive.

And so went my Monday.

I later learned that my roommate was responsible for the slippery floor, as he had cleaned the kitchen because Christy was on her way over, and, in lieu of Pine Sol, he sprayed the tile with a cleaning agent that had the viscosity of motor oil.

It�s not the first time he�s tried to kill me in an attempt to impress a woman, I tell you what.

It was a pleasure meeting Christy, and she looked slightly different than I thought she would. According to her accounts, I met and exceeded her expectations for good looks. This will only serve to infuriate Jonny, and we can all expect him to do a lot more murderous greasing up of smooth surfaces in the future.

If you know what I mean.