n o w p l a y i n g - s c r i p t b i n - f a n c l u b - s t u d i o

make love to the camera



May 26, 2002 - 3:42 pm

Story, Story Die

Holy bloody fuck.

Los Angeles in six days. Well, more accurately, I'll be in a Dodge Caravan heading for Los Angeles in six days. It's the home stretch.

The word 'surreal' doesn't even begin to cover it.

Does anyone remember the old Saturday morning cartoon 'Galaxy High'? It was a brilliant, though short lived show, and I loved it. It centered on two humans, Aimee and Doyle, who went to kind of an interplanetary magnet high school with a bunch of aliens.

I've been thinking for a while now that the show would be a brilliant choice for a live action adaptation. I have to wonder, though, because I think that if the show's producer/creators were thinking forwardly, they probably have a shelf full of Galaxy High screenplays they've whipped up. One of the things that the Semester in LA touches on is acquiring rights to other works (novels, short stories, poems, whatever), so we'll see.

If I had to pitch GH, I'd sell it as a 'Harry Potter in space, played for laughs.' When I think about that, though, my spidey sense tingles. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that pitch alone was already a cliche out there.

I just lost 2% of my soul when I used that LA lingo there.

I swear to you, no matter what happens, I will avoid the soul patch/goatee/pony tail combination forever. Don't worry about me. I'll be alright.

Ah, but speaking of acquiring rights, I just had a thought. I know that some of you people out there are writers, but not necessarily hip to the ways of the screenplay. If you have something you're writing, a short story or book or anything, and you think you might want to get your hands on some of that movie money, email me.

We'll talk, babe. We'll do a virtual lunch. My treat.

And I'm serious about that offer. You never really know. 'Memento' came from a short story, and 'The Straight Story' came form a newspaper article.

Yes, yes. I know it's Sunday, and the FadeIn Ratings System tells me that this is usually a low viewership day, but I'm just going to go ahead and keep writing. You're going to be bored and unhappy that you're in the office tomorrow morning, so I'll just give you a bit of extra lovin' to aid you in your Monday morning procrastination.

I am nothing if not thoughtful.

While we're on the topic of story and such: I must admit, I have always taken a perverse pleasure in reading personal ads. And I mean all of them, from Women Seeking Men to Men Seeking Men to None of the Above. I think that part of the fun comes from being able to project your own ideas about people on to the ads.

I mean, when someone describes themselves like this: "Foxy Girl, 20's will settle for passionate, friendly guy who can put together Ikea end tables...Important: Intergender wrestling, honesty, blackjack, wine, kissing. Tell me how much you hate Michael Bolton." When someone describes themselves that way, it's hard not to imagine that they are the cutest, most interesting little gal out there.

It's kind of like Diaryland. You know how it goes. Everyone is sexy on Diaryland.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night, so I lay in bed reading. I polished off the Onion and then moved along to the Chicago Reader, our free weekly.

Section 2 has the personal ads, along with 'Missed Connections,' which is always fun to check, because it's usually stuff like "Red Line, Belmont stop, Monday morning. You were the hot guy in the grey jacket reading 'Brave New World.' I was the cute petite brunette who was too obviously making eye contact with you. I couldn't find the words that morning, but I'd like to find out what you think of Huxley. Coffee?"

It's fun stuff. You always want to check whether someone was scoping you out. Also a good resource when you're curious if some psycho is stalking you on your commute to work.

I'm in the habit of looking at everything and trying to find story. Overheard snippets of conversation, restaraunt reviews, even Diaryland entries.

Once, in highschool, I wrote a science fiction story that came out of me trying to hold an underwater conversation with a friend in a swimming pool.

So, I'm checking out the personals. I was looking for story, and I wasn't really finding much. Then, I realized that I wasn't looking at stories there: I was looking at ready-made real life characters.

The first three words of these personal ads are in bold type. And, if it's a good one, they can be the most descriptive part of the ad, as they're supposed to be. Ideas for characters make themselves apparent to me in these first three words of these ads:

"Tex Mex Indie Rock" - I don't even have to use my imagination here, as his ad is better than a character I could make up. This lanky gay guy wants to find a "hipster cowboy," who works on his own car, rolls his own cigarettes and likes "big brains and big hearts." Will he find love? I'd watch this movie, but I can't really see anyone but a newcomer in the role. A Tobey Maguire type, but with a ton of personality, maybe.

"I'm a Dad!" - Clearly, this is an older white collar type whose family is more important than his job. A divorced man, his kids are the most important thing in his life. His secret sadness is that he cheated on his wife just one time, was racked by guilt, confessed, and is now paying for his mistake for the rest of his life. Sensitive and remorseful, he just wants a second chance. Paul Newman is just a little too cool (not to mention old) to play this character, as I think there's a bit of The Dork in this guy.

"Lonely, Big, Handsome" - John Goodman would die to play this character. He's shy, only becoming outgoing when he performs magic tricks. He has no idea how to talk to women. He has a rich fantasy life, and is basically an overgrown adolescent. An essentially harmless, sweet loner. Head over heels in love with a girl who works at a grocery store. My favorite of the bunch.

"Swiss-Army Knife Girl" - Short, tough, smartass, blond, ponytail, and just a little chubby. Fun and tomboy-ish, guys just don't date her for some reason. She's most comfortable when she's doing something physical. Teaches public highschool. Doesn't like television. She's in her 30's now, and wondering when it's going to happen for her. Jeanine Garofolo is almost right for this role, but that choice is a bit cliched by now.

"Cool, Uncomplicated Dude" - Total asshole. He has driven away every woman who has ever dated him with his clinging, over-sensitive, jealous nature. He is also a complete pervert, which doesn't help. Most of his girlfriends leave him when they get sick of his pseudo-Buddhism, his dog walking job, or his tactless demands for a threesome. Decent looking, but super-flawed. I see a run down Jon Cryer trying to make his comeback here.

I finally did find story in the 'None of the Above' or 'Kinky' section, when I spotted an ad for a guy who was looking for a male cop to add his house to his 'patrol.' It made me think of 'Bad Lieutenant,' but super gay. No one needs to see Harvey Keitel's penis ever again, though.

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