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November 25, 2002 - 9:49 pm

More Unwanted Roommates

The only vegetables I've eaten over the last three days or so were the mushrooms on the pizza my roommate and I just ordered.

The rest of my foodstuff consumption has consisted primarily of breads, meats, and cheeses.

When chubby guys come back into style, I will be sitting pretty.

So.

I came home tonight to immediately encounter a roach that was so big it should have been paying rent. Jonny The Roommate had given me a warning of its presence. He told me that upon entering the apartment I would encounter a large roach that he had slain earlier in the day.

"Why is it still in the apartment?" I asked, logically.

"I was in a hurry," was the nonsensical reply.

"You had time to kill it but you couldn't kick it out the door?"

As a result of the appearance of our third roommate, we agreed that it was time to revisit our Sanitation Policy. No longer would we be content to leave empty Thai food containers or half consumed apple pies on our kitchen counter for days on end. No, today, a new day would dawn!

And it would start as soon as I got home and tossed out the half eaten mexican food we had left on the coffee table overnight.

When I found it, it wasn't even dead yet. Jonny had merely maimed it. It had just enough strength left to utter in a deep, resounding baritone "Your roommate is a real asshole for not even killing me properly."

"I know, I know," I gently whispered as I scooped him into my mostly empty coffee cup and deposited him in the trash. Rest assured that his last moments were filled with the numbing effects of crushed ice and pleasing aroma of mocha.

In other news:

I pulled in front of a guy on the 101 and he turned his brights on me. For a whole minute! The experience affected me deeply and made me solemnly consider the evil I visited upon him.

Locally:

So, at work, we hold auditions for the guest star parts in one of the empty conference rooms in my office. This can be an especially pleasant experience, especially when we cast the role of a 'fantasy woman' to appear in one of the cast members dreams. That day, twelve beautiful Swedish women entered my life and then quickly left it.

Anyway, last week, we needed to cast the parts of two Russian delivery men. This resulted in the presence of many swarthy ethnic types, which is nearly the opposite of beautiful Swedes.

The auditions had mostly ended, and I was walking down from my end of the office to the other in order to complete some important task such as making sure there were plenty of diet cokes in the writer's refrigerator. One of the actors who had just auditioned was waiting for the elevator. A tall, hairy sort, he made eye contact with me as I approached.

"My audition really sucked," he said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, full of intention to not get into this conversation.

I would have been successful, too, had he not moved from where he was standing and positioned himself right in front of me.

He didn't just lean over. He didn't just make clear that he had something he really needed to tell me. This man actually took several steps and stopped directly in my path, blocking me.

"The dude I was auditioning with didn't even know his lines."

I paused, allowing the fact that this man was either desperately lonely, or an idiot, or thinking I was a producer to whom he felt he needed to explain himself, or a combination of all three, to sink into our little shared moment in time. Eventually, he started to shift a bit, suddenly becoming conscious of the fact that he had just impeded the progress of another person to share his little story. I took that as my cue to brush on by him.

I bore no ill will toward this man. I simply didn't want to hear Los Angeles Actor Bad Audition Complaint #43709 at that time. And especially not from a guy who went out of his way to stand right in front of me, as if I needed to solve some riddle to continue on my journey.

"That's really shitty," I replied, and then continued on past him to the writer's kitchen, where I threw three diet cokes in the fridge as I considered ways to get myself fired.

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