The beard is no more.

I think I�m going to lose some weight this month. And not just because of the 12 ounces of grizzle that I chopped off my face this morning, at the expense of forty-five minutes of my life, two razors, and all of the hot water in my apartment building.

Not a scratch on me, by the way.

I�m going to lose weight because, since I�ve come back, I�ve embarked on a brand new diet plan I�ve devised. It�s called the �I only have $39.98 in my checking account until the 15th� plan.

Meals can include tasty dishes like:

1: The Half a Frozen Pizza You Cooked That Morning and Brought to Work

2: The Other Half, The Next Day or for Dinner

3: Cereal, Lots Of

4: Whatever your Girlfriend Buys for You on her Grocery Store Gift Card (Chicken, broccoli, and salad � not bad!)

5: Stuff Stolen from Work (day old bagels, even more goddamn cereal, candy bars and those gross little red and white peppermint candies)

6: Ice

7: Cigarettes! The appetite suppressant!

Not that I can really afford cigarettes. I may also shed a few pounds as I shake with fear imagining my fuel-less car coming to a stop at just the most inopportune moment.

Making matters even more fun is that JonnyBoy�s birthday is this weekend, and as that happens to fall before the 15th, I will not be able to afford the lapdances I wanted to get him.

In honor of his 23rd birthday, I invite the ladies of Diaryland to send any spare sexually suggestive gyrations in his direction.