n o w p l a y i n g - s c r i p t b i n - f a n c l u b - s t u d i o

make love to the camera



May 06, 2003 - 10:01 am

Does Not Smell Like Teen Spirit

Reason # 15 Not To Sleep With Me, right between #14: Not a Lot of Cash and #16: Snores Loudly is this:

I haven't worn deodorant under my left arm in about two weeks.

Well, until yesterday. And, no, this wasn't some whimsical experiment I conducted just to be wacky and produce entry fodder. It wasn't a lifestyle choice. This was a matter of life and death.

I'd been using the same brand of deodorant for quite a while now, and recently, I switched to another type within that brand. My left underarm, and only my left, protested by breaking out in the oddest way. It didn't look gross, but it sure as hell felt gross, because suddenly I found myself with tiny marble-like bumps under my skin.

You know you want me.

I was pretty bothered by this, as you may imagine. Naturally, I didn't want to stink, but I also didn't want to walk around with pit-lumps. I forced the roommate to take a look and give me his prognosis, I called mom and asked her if she knew what to do or if she had any Secret Mom Wisdom Tips for situations like these. I was this close to calling 1-800-Gilette, and then I realized that calling a company's 800 number, waiting to speak to an operator, and then subsequently discussing my armpit with a complete stranger would essentially confirm that I am, indeed, an old Jewish man.

I've been a horrible Gentile lately, anyway, because I've been going around having confrontations with people and telling them what their problems are. I've forgotten the WASP modus operandi of ignoring everything until it goes away, while drunkenly throwing furniture around in private western European frustration.

Oy.

So, I decided to call on Anglo common sense and just stop using deodorant on that arm for a while. It took a lot of attention and maintenance, but I'm pretty proud to say that I did a good job of not stinking horribly. It took a lot of Herbal Essences double-dosing, but I've kept myself smelling good and my problem seems to have receded.

Snores Loudly may now resume it's rightful place at #15.

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