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make love to the camera



November 5, 2001 - 9:01 am

Celebrities In Disguise

So, this 14 year old suburban chick keeps emailing me with marriage offers. It's times like these I wished I lived in the deep south.

You know, just because of banjos.

My dad was a big guitar player. As a kid, I remember sitting with him down in his Basement of Solitude. He would play 'Johnny B. Good' for me, or old country tunes he knew, or just make up songs about my brothers and I. I remember that among his many old moldy records, he had one called 'Burning Banjos.' The album cover featured three banjos being consumed by a raging fire. That, along with the episode of 'Fantasy Island' with the talking ventriloquist's dummy, remains among the most disturbing images of my childhood.

He also had an old TV set up down there. The TV was so old that, when you turned it off, the image would fade out to a little white dot in the center of the screen. Some nights he'd let me stay up late with him. We would watch 'Benny Hill.' I would laugh at everything, even though I had no bloody idea what was going on.

That 'Thames' logo is going to remind me of my childhood for the rest of my life. And, by association, another thing that will remind me of being a kid is scantily clad English tarts. Just try to tell me I wasn't a happy boy.

I wasn't planning on rambling about my youth all morning. What I really want to say is this: I'll wager that the terrorists knew that their actions would lead to Barbara Streisand's performance at the Emmy's last night. That, my friends, is pure evil, and justifies any and all military action.

On a somewhat related note, I think that if we just grind up some Cipro, stuff it in envelopes, and send it through the mail, that should pretty much take care of everything.

This morning, I reserve the right to be non-linear.

Yesterday afternoon, I went for a solo walk. It was a beautiful day to do it. It was sunny and cool, very autumn. As I walked along just thinking my Bill-thoughts, I kicked the leaves on the sidewalk to make that shush, shush sound.

It made me so melancholy I could have vomited.

But it was nice. And, it allowed me to get some much needed head-clearing and thinking done. I haven't been working on school as hard as I could lately. I have been lazily indulging myself in video games. It was good to think about the scenes I need to write, to think about the characters and dialogue, rather than what kind of missles I need to buy for my spaceship. As I was telling Francine the other day (an afficianado herself), I don't think I'll ever outgrow playing games, but I do hope that one day I'm much too busy to devote any time to them.

All because my dad bought me an Atari 2600 when I was six. Damn you, Pitfall! Damn you, Frogger! Damn you, Adventure!

On a final note, Sally came over last night. She was wearing the big fuzzy coat she bought at H&M in London last fall, and a multi-colored winter hat. She took off the coat, but not the hat, and I saw that she was wearing a sweater type item, and some boot cut-esque, chill sweatpants. She had her hair up, tucked under the hat, and was wearing glasses.

She says to me "Do I look artsy? If I were holding a backpack, and I walked into one of your classes like this, would you say 'Hey, that chick looks artsy?'" She then picked up her backpack and pretended to walk into a classroom and sit down. I took a polaroid she would probably kill me for scanning and posting.

I said: "Actually, I think that look is more 'celebrity in disguise' than 'artsy.' You know, like those pictures in the Enquirer. Like Gwynneth Paltrow at the mall."

I know now that telling a girl she looks like a 'celebrity in disguise' is never, ever a good thing to say.

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