Are you there, Ed McMahon? It's me, Bill.

I could really use a visit from the prize patrol. Now that I've paid my rent, I've got a few hundred bucks between me and July. I'm now registered with three different temp agencies, and they all blame the economy for the lack of any work. When this country non-elected Bush, they obviously weren't thinking about guys like me who like to get paid 12 bucks an hour and surf the internet all day under the guise of being a 'receptionist.'

We should have formed a union.

So, in the course of the past 24 hours I've subjected myself to short interviews with the Lincoln Park Trixies who apparently control the destinies of every temp in Chicago. That is, when they're not applying too much makeup, debating which health club to join and not go to, doing the Lincoln Park Trixie walk (Chicagoans, I think you know what I mean: walking around, arms inexplicably crossed over their chests for no apparent reason) or flirting with guys named Thad and Brad in horrid, vapid, nasty bars.

The whole thing makes me want to punch myself in the neck.

The point is, I need money. I may have to resort to waiting tables. But then I thought maybe I should write dirty stories. I'd choose a pen name, of course: Pasha Swess. The first name evokes thoughts of an Indian woman, which could be exotic. The last name sounds like a combination of 'Swiss' and 'sex.' Those are always winners.

But, if I wrote erotica, then I'd have to combine it with my sitcom writing talents. If only to amuse myself. Comederotica, anyone? Is there intentionally funny porn? Thanks to an old roommate, a guy named Matt who used to work at 'The Porn Hut,' I know there are porn bloopers. But comedic porn? Perhaps I have found my niche...

Anyway, I'm standing outside my building the other night having a smoke. These two guys walk by. I don't think they saw me. One of them is holding an umbrella. He begins to poke the air in front of him with it and speaks in a pirate voice.

EXT: APARTMENT BUILDING: NIGHT

(GUY ONE, GUY TWO)

(GUY ONE AND GUY TWO WALK DOWN THE STREET. GUY ONE BEGINS TO POKE THE AIR IN FRONT OF HIM WITH HIS UMBRELLA WHILE SPEAKING IN A 'PIRATE VOICE.')

Arrrrrrr! Arrrrr, Matey!

(THEY CONTINUE ON. GUY TWO REMAINS SILENT. GUY ONE REDOUBLES HIS EFFORTS.)

Arrrrrrr! Arrrrr!

(ROLLS EYES) Yeah, right.

(GUY ONE SUDDENLY REMEMBERS TO ACT COOL, AND DROPS THE PIRATE VOICE.)

Yeah. No shit, right?

Wow. I now believe the drinking water in my city has been poisoned. These guys were the unfortunate result.

In other news, MTV has given me the run-around. Not that I'm surprised. I honestly didn't expect them to say "Hey, you're a no-name shmo with no credits and an idea? Well, let's just buy you lunch and have a meeting, then!" Apparently, they don't even take informational interviews. Fortunately, after talking with my show bidness mentor, I have another plan of attack. More to come, there.

Does everyone know that there was this one year, after America was settled, that there was no summer whatsoever? There just wasn't. Winter simply continued through the year, all over the States. Scientists aren't sure exactly what happened, although they have their guesses.

Chicago is like that lately. It's been September-like here for the last month. When I went out this morning to get the paper, I saw that we were covered by a thick fog. I love how there doesn't seem to be a fog in your immediate area, and you can only see what seems to be the edges of it surrounding you. It kind of makes you feel as if you're at the center of things, when we really know that some other fog-covered guy you can't see standing fifty feet away is thinking the same thing.

Some scientist think that our planet might be in the middle of a nebula. You know, those big gassy structures in space you hear about and see the colorful pictures of. Thing is, because we're in the middle of it, we wouldn't know it if we were inside one.

The entire planet wandering through a gigantic cosmic fog. I'll leave the metaphors and implications to you. Don't get too cynical, I think it's beautiful.