If I were the type of guy who would type things like "muwahahahha" I think I would type that right now. Do I really need another cup of coffee? Has that ever stopped me before?

Lovely morning, this one.

So, hi. How are you?

Israel is all pissed off now, because we're going around and talking with Arab nations. This goes back to my whole 'International relations as high school drama' idea. It's easier for me to imagine the world this way.

So, like, Israel's all like "Dude! What the fuck are you talking to those assholes for? I thought we were friends, man!" And America is all like "Izzy, chill! We're still best buds. I've just got to settle some shit with these guys. I'll stop by later with some Pizza Hut and a six pack, OK?" And Israel's all like "I think sometimes that you like Great Britain more than me." And America is all like "Don't even start that shit, man. I went to preschool with Great Britain. We have some major history, OK? You know that." And Israel's all like "Whatever, man. You've changed. Why don't you go talk to your new BFF Egypt?" And America's all like "Oh, stop. Here's five bucks. Why don't you go rent a movie? I'll come over after school and we'll chill like old times, OK?" And Israel's all like "Well....OK."

I'd pay big bucks for that newspaper.

Coffee: I drink a lot of it. I hope you enjoy it, too. It's a pleasant thing. I promise to reduce my coffee consumption to lower levels, as part of my whole "Avoid Death to Spend More Time with You and the Kids Plan." In the meantime, though, let's wake up and drink coffee together as we decide what to do that day.

Food: I eat a lot of it. I love eating. This has had some unfortunate results, though. See, right now, I have a fast metabolism, and can therefore eat whatever I want without gaining weight. Unfortunately, two of my past girlfriends have complained that my love of food has caused them to gain weight, as I love to share my love of food. I can work on this. We don't have to eat at restaurants so much. Even though it's not as easy, I'm happy to sit home and make a tasty salad. I'm also fond of Subway veggie subs, which can do in a pinch. Again, my future habits are all subject to change under the previously mentioned "Avoid Death etc." plan.

Smoking: I unashamedly enjoy the physical pleasures of a good smoke. With coffee, after meals, anytime. This too, falls under the "Let's Not Die Too Soon, Shall We?" clause of the "Avoid Death etc." plan. If you are a non-smoker, I will quit when we get engaged. If you smoke, let's quit the minute we start trying to have kids, OK? The point is, I'm not going to smoke forever, and neither should you. That's all very reasonable, I think.

Kids: Speaking of being alive for the kids, I don't know how you feel about your hips, but I want a lot of them (kids, not hips). I'm thinking at least three. I like the idea of a large, happy family. Boys, girls, I don't care, but at least one of each would be good. We'll raise them to be geniuses, naturally, without putting too much pressure on them. We'll support and love them unconditionally and tell them they can do anything they set their cute little minds to do. We won't have them until we're well settled into our careers and both happy with our decisions regarding same. We'll devote equal time to raising them. Oh, and no spanking.

Money: We're going to be wealthy. Very wealthy. Give me a few years to write for TV and film. After that, I start my own production company, if I don't work my way to the other side of the camera first. It's going to produce quality art along the caliber of 'The Simpsons' and 'Freaks & Geeks.' We're going to enjoy this wealth for a while before we start in on the children. This enjoyment will manifest itself mostly through travelling, an embarrasingly opulent home (probably in Los Angeles...apologies in advance, but it'll be a necessary evil, at least at first), apartments in New York and Chicago, and a flat in London. See how that all ties in to the travel thing? The wedding is going to be incredible, and people are going to think we're insane because of it. In general, we're going to enjoy the pleasures of fine dining (see above restrictions), travelling without luggage (we'll just shop when we arrive), and whatever material goods we want to stuff into our home. We will also have cable.

Religion: There are many paths to God, baby. I'm not hardcore in my beliefs anymore, and I guess you would probably call me Agnostic, but I still retain my Lutheran upbringing, in some small ways. We don't have to be church or temple-goers, (and naturally we'll avoid Scientology) but just don't be an atheist, OK? Oh, or a snake handler. Freaks.

Music: Since music is a religion to some, it warrants mention. Some people are way, way into their favorite genres and bands. I'm not one of them. I'm more of a book and film and TV guy. You should be OK with that, as I would be OK with your freakish obsession, should you possess it. Since The Indie Rock is The Big Thing these days, you should know that while I have a basic framework of knowledge in such matters, we're not going to be able to debate where Death Cab For Cutie or Beulah fits into the grand scheme of things. Or even Guided By Voices. Though I like them. A lot. I will only hold your music against you if you are overly fond of R&B, hip hop, or boy bands. The line has to be drawn somewhere.

Sex: Please see your local pornography dealer for details. Actually, I was just thinking of leaving it at that, but it is far too broad a statement. For clarification, this excludes (meaning that the following stuff is not for me): scary-level BDSM, anything involving non-traditional bodily fluids (I know you know what I mean), anything involving animals, midgets, elderly people, children, the obese, certain items being placed in certain places of the male anatomy, and I'm fairly certain that's about it. I think we can all agree that a desire to not be shat upon or have jumper cables attached to your genitalia does not make you vanilla or un-kinky. I'm a straight, red-blooded American male...I think you can extrapolate what I like from there, yes?

You: This could be an hour of writing in itself. I can't possibly go into everything I want from you now. I will say, though, that if I'm marrying you, it's partly because you have aspirations that go beyond sitting at home and watching your toenails dry. If you're watching those toenails dry while working on a novel or screenplay, that's great. Fantastic, really. The point is, you want to do Something. Preferably with the arts. Oh, and your mind matches mine on most of the things above. You're smart. You have class. You have a really incredible ass (I couldn't resist...say that to yourself as a chant, it's fun). You're probably brunette, as brunettes and I seem to get along best, but I'm open to the possibilities, blondies.

Luckily for me, Sally meets most of these criteria. We're still a long way off from marriage, though. If only it weren't for her unhealthy obsession with midget porn...