n o w p l a y i n g - s c r i p t b i n - f a n c l u b - s t u d i o

make love to the camera



August 23, 2001 - 10:03 am

How I Finally Escaped My Captors

So, the Latin music fest begins this weekend, and all morning on the news they've been showcasing this N'Sync-esque Latin music group and I finally had to mute the TV because there is nothing on this planet that I could find more fucking annoying at this moment.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Latin peoples, their delectable foodstuffs and pretty language, but I think I'm harboring some repressed resentment against the guys who drive by my apartment at 2 am BLASTING the same damn song from Latino radio over and over again. This is what I get for living off a busy street, and it really makes me wish I lived on a quiet side street again, to the point where I actually enjoyed being in the suburbs recently. There's something charming about side streets in that when you walk outside, you're not shuffling your feet through empty Dorito's bags, discarded CTA passes, and crumpled restaurant menus, all of which, on a main street, tend to gather under your wrought iron fence like the homeless under Wacker Drive. At least, until the Wacker Drive Reconstruction Project began, AKA the Let's Kill All The Dirty Homeless People Project.

There was something else I wanted to mention...What was it, now? Hmm. Oh. Right.

FADEIN ANNOUNCES HIS TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO THE WEB-BIDNESS!

Yeah! I'm back, and, bloody hell did I miss you guys! Really, I did. All of my real life friends require so much energy, as they always want to do stuff like a)stuff b)moving c)talking, and d)going places. It's really all such a hassle, so it's nice and refreshing to be sedentary and lazy again. For a minute or two there it looked like I was going to have to polish my social skills.

Oh, and it was also really nice to read all the guestbook entries of love and missing. Really, you guys made me feel just a little like Ferris Bueller there for a while. Very touching. I expect everyone now to go back to treating me like garbage and taking me for granted as soon as possible, as well you should.

There's a lot to catch up on, and I've been going back and reading all of your trials and tribulations over my two week absence. I see that Sez and Tangent are sporting pretty new dresses. Very nice. I'm looking forward to my day off, which I have decided to pathetically use getting caught up on all D'Land wheelings and dealings. I found myself telling Sally the other day, in regard to the diaries I read "Man, I have a lot of reading to do."

I felt lame. Quickly got over it.

So, anyway, I was wondering what I would write about in this entry. It has been a while after all, and there's a lot I could say, because things have shaked, things have baked. I didn't really have anything planned in advance, because I knew that the Good Lord, half a pot of coffee, and six miniature Hershey's bars would provide. And, so they have, for here I am, wired like a maniac. Let's see if I can do a brief recap of Recent Events:

A Brief Recap of Recent Events:

The iMac Dilemma: Having my mac in the shop felt like having a family member in the hospital. It's sad and pathetic, I know. I would look at my empty desk and feel sad, and hope that the technicians wouldn't call me with any bad news. I almost went so far as to clean up the computer area for it's eventual homecoming, and I promised myself I would be extra gentle with it from now on. Anthropomorphizing run rampant, I tells you. Now that it's back, I'm experiencing the emotions of a betrayed lover. Will it ever leave me again? Was it something I did? How can I trust it? I listen to every internal computer click for clues as to its intentions, but I just can't tell. On the upside, they replaced what was a faulty 13 gig hard drive with a shiny and new 20 gig hard drive. "OK," I think to myself. "That would be impressive if I actually needed all that space for something." I immediately promised myself that I would attempt to write the biggest text document known to man. Waste not, want not. Also, thank God for warranties. Looking at the work order, I discovered that had my computer not been covered, this repair would have cost me $898. Guh. It would have been cheaper to buy one of those bargain desktops. See, this is where the phrase "You get what you pay for" comes from. Unfortunately, I had to learn that lesson on my own, as my parents are the kind of people who buy $79 VCR's, wonder why they last only a year and a half, and then go out and buy another $79 VCR.

Oy, a Jewish Wedding!: This has been the best of all the Jewish weddings I have attended so far, for I have discovered the mysteries of the salad dance. For the uninitiated, allow me to explain. For some reason, when the salad course of the wedding meal begins, the entire waitstaff comes out of the kitchen holding the bowls of salad above their heads. As the klezmer band begins to rock out in its klezmer way, the waitstaff takes the salad to the dance floor and dances around in a circle, still holding the salad aloft. When I turned to Sally for an explanation, she just smiled, laughed, and shook her head, offering only: "It's just something we do." Bizarre as it was, everyone seemed to be in great spirits after this celebration of lettuce, so it can only be a good thing.

One of the appetizers at the reception was sushi. Now, that, is class, baby, no joke. I had 943 pieces.

As the night went on, myself and the rest of my table were becoming desperate for amusement. I was sitting with this guy Josh, who may well have been the only other Gentile in attendance. For illustrative purposes, he's tall, a little chubby, has big, thick, black glasses, and is one funny bastard. Anyway, at some point we decided it was time for some feats of skill. We set up the candles across the table and blew them out from our seats successfully, impressing those who doubted the lung capacity of smokers. We then made little houses of the wedding programs, place cards, and matchbooks. Later still, I attempted to impress the table by trying to light a match using, alternately, my stubble and my teeth. Ever since a college friend told me that Kim Deal lit a cigarette for him by lighting a match with her teeth, I have strived to do the same. My efforts were to no avail, but, I did notice that the next table was staring at us. A starchy good looking guy and his starchy good looking girlfriend, who I decided to nickname Lord Autumnbottom and Lady Snicklewit, looked at us with what I'm sure was both disdain and jealousy. We were clearly having the better time.

There is much more to say, on a variety of topics, ranging from the results of accidentally running into your girlfriend's half naked father in his hallway at 3 am, my new fitness 'regime', uneducated and impolite hospital staffs, good lovin' (relax, Sally, I promise I won't say a word, really), my less-than-scientific discovery that aloe vera gel does, indeed, freeze, and, as an added bonus, a special dissertation on nothing in particular that I like to call my daily life.

Unfortunately, I have to go to work now.

Fucking hell, I'm really glad I'm back. It feels good. Hello again, everybody.

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