April 28, 2003 - 11:10 am
Good morning, good morning, good morning.
Boy howdy, is there ever some stuff to write about today...
First of all, my roommate is a freak. A complete freak. It's so hard to get one little nugget of information out of him. For some reason, he has an extraordinarily difficult time answering a question that's put to him straight and simple. Having to sit there and endure his "uh's," and "um's," and ask all sorts of qualifying questions just so that he can decide how he wants to answer is sheer torture.
Finally, I just had to demand an answer, so I said:
"Look, just tell me: If God exists, would you get into a fistfight with him or not?"
He finally just said yes. It was then that he finally announced that the question was meaningless and ridiculous. And, really, it was.
But it's always fun to see how people respond to various questions, whether they deal with supernatural fisticuffs or not, so, the next morning in a fit of caffeination, a survey was created just to see what makes people who fill out surveys tick.
Now, I'm not going to go over peoples answers to every single question, but a few of them are indicative to some interesting trends that are not really worth noting but will be fun to talk about anyway.
The first question is: You are given the opportunity to address every human being on the planet simultaneously in a one minute television broadcast. It will be translated into every language and everyone is guaranteed to watch. What do you say?
The responses have been less than statesmanlike. Some people have shyly asked for money. Others have come straight to the point and requested, of all things, booze. One individual, when given this historic opportunity, uses a crude three word phrase to exhort the entire planet to use their tongues on him in a less than platonic manner. More than a few times, the wisdom of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure shows it's impact on the mind of survey answerer's and people say they will tell the world to "Be excellent to each other."
The second question/answer I want to discuss: You are granted the power to permanently anthropomorphize (give human qualities to) one thing or one type of thing (all trees, all cars, etc.). What's it gonna be?
So far, a number of people think it would be great if there were two things that suddenly had the ability to speak: Cats and genitalia.
In my opinion, this is profoundly shortsighted. If cats and our sex organs had the ability to talk, I am convinced that they would do nothing but complain.
I mean, think about it: Both of them are constantly being abused, sometimes several times a day. Neither of them are ever satisfied, no matter how much you give them. And finally, they both spend way too much time in wet, dark places that they probably shouldn't be in the first place.
Bad idea, people.
Finally, this question: You messed up bad and you're on death row. What's your last meal?
Lots of people have very specific answers for this one that I admire. They know exactly what they want, the type and year of wine they're going to drink. I myself would have a hard time deciding. I can be at a restaurant with several delicious items on my plate and have a hard time figuring out what my last taste of the meal is going to be, much less the last taste of my life.
So many things to take into consideration here. I mean, it is your last meal, so you might think you want to stuff yourself, yes? Why not? Then again, what could be more uncomfortable than feeling bloated and gassy while 20,000 volts are shooting through you? Obviously, this question is due serious consideration.
But apparently not for the two clever gadabouts who simply answered: "Pussy."
How much of a typical male does one have to be to answer that question in such a manner? I doubt that even the butchest of butch lesbians would say something so ridiculous. And you can sure as hell bet that it would not even occur to heterosexual women that they would like to spend their last few minutes on earth performing fellatio.
If any woman fills out that survey and answers "What do you want for your last meal?" with the words "A big ol' cock!" I will simply advise you to look at that woman one last time and run away.
Or, perhaps, to them.
So, that's all. People are interesting, as always. I advise you to answer these and the rest of the questions in the survey, even if you are not an orally fixated Keanu Reeves fan.
Oh, and tonight....at 8pm! I perform! Here!
If you go the the airport now, you should be able to make it to Los Angeles in time.
You can sleep on my couch and I'll make you Rice Krispy Treats.
Last Time On FadeIn - Next Week's Show