Goddamn, I look good today.

I figured a way around this whole 'quit smoking/gain weight' problem that is plaguing the ever growing food hole that is my stomach: NO EATING.

Actually, I could never pull off such a grandiose scheme of never eating, what with my love of mayonnaise and all, but what I can do is stuff my face with easily disgestible foodstuffs such as stir-fried vegetables, and lots of oatmeal cookies. The latter especially. They're high in fiber, cheap to make, and good for the ol' plumbing, if you know what I'm sayin'.

So, the other day, my mum foists upon me a copy of 'Who Moved My Cheese?' It's a very popular book, which, naturally, has caused me to avoid it ever since I first heard of it. I admit, this is not the most mature approach to such things, but, when the masses start to drool over a new fad, nine times out of ten, it does not mean good things (see: Macarena, WOW potato chips, Uplifting Messages of Inspiration, Shrek).

Anyway.

My mom handed me the book, and I took a quick look at the jacket. At first I thought it would be some kind of Americanized Buddhism, sort of a 'if your desire for a Ford Focus makes you unhappy, simply eliminate your desire for a Ford Focus' or some such. Then, I realized it was about cheese, mice, organizational leveraging, and coping with change.

I scoffed until my scoffing muscles were sore. "What do I care about change? What's changed for me lately? I'm just a recent graduate from college who broke up with his longtime girlfriend and is about to move across the country! 'Change' indeed!"

(Before we go any further, I should just let you know that I won't be accepting Jesus by the end of this entry. OK? OK.)

So, my review of WMMC: Brilliant! Yes, brilliant. I wish I had thought of the idea of stuffing a lot of common sense notions into a size 18 font and coupling them with illustrations I could have made on my Commodore 64. If only I had done that, I could have been the one who sold five million copies for $19.95, and could even be, right now, at this very moment, partying hard with the author of 'Pets Letters to God' and Elizabeth Wurtzel.

Brief digression: The spoiled bitch was apparently sick of complaining about her Ritalin addiction, and in a recent interview characterized the attacks of September 11th as "a pain in the ass." She then went on to say that watching the towers fall was like bizarre performance art. Thumbs up, Liz! You're cooler than all of us!

So. I decided that I would come up with some books in the same vein as 'WMMC.' I'm going to use you to market research them right now. As soon as you've selected which book you like, I'll go away for an hour and write it.

1: Green Light Means Go? - A delightful modern parable about two lovable scamps named Strutty and Smashy, who apply common sense life lessons to crossing the street.

2: Which Way To Be? - A cute modern fable about HappyBoy and SadGirl, who apply common sense life lessons and discover happiness.

3: Who Am I Fucking? - A heartwarming modern yarn about TitLover and AssPounder, who apply common sense life lessons to finding out whether they are straight or gay.

I think I'm going to go with #3, just so I can repeatedly type 'asspounder.'

Oh, last thing: Becky and some other girls I went to high school with feel all left out when I spend my entries talking about Diaryland. What can I say? Join up and get in on the action. Sometimes all there is to write about is Diaryland, because, as much as I wish I could, I just can't go smashing giant jars of garlic all over my apaprtment whenever I'm stuck for a topic. So, barring any other grocery mishaps, I'll try to live a more hilarious life.