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Nov 16 2000 - 5:41 AM What's that you say? You want to read the Simpson's episode I've written for class? Well, I guess so...I was up all damn night writing it.....today is gonna be hell. ACT I TEASER INT: CLASSROOM: DAY (BART) (BART WRITES ON THE CHALKBOARD: MY TEST SCORES DO NOT DEMAND A RECOUNT. FX: OPENING SEQUENCE INT: LIVING ROOM: DAY (HOMER, MARGE, BART, LISA, MAGGIE, SANTA�S LITTLE HELPER, PAPARAZZI) MUSIC: SIMPSONS THEME SFX: FLASH BULBS (THE FAMILY RUNS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. A GROUP OF PAPARAZZI STAND NEARBY, BEHIND A VELVET ROPE. THEY BEGIN TO TAKE PICTURES AS THE FAMILY HEADS TOWARD THE COUCH. THE FAMILY COVERS THEIR HEADS AND RUN OFF IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. SANTA�S LITTLE HELPER STAYS, AND JUMPS UP, LICKING THE FACE OF ONE OF THE PHOTOGRAPHERS.) CUT TO: ACT I SCENE I EXT: SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY PARK: DAY (BART, MILHOUSE, NELSON, PRINCIPAL SKINNER, MS. KRABBAPPLE, MARTIN, RALPH, JIMBO, DOLPH, GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY, ATMOSPHERE) (PRINCIPAL SKINNER AND MS. KRABBAPLE WALK THROUGH THE PARK PAST DOZENS OF CHILDREN, GATHERED IN GROUPS. IN THE BACK GROUND, WE SEE SOME OF THE CHILDREN STANDING ON SOAPBOXES, SPEAKING ANIMATEDLY TO CROWDS OF OTHER CHILDREN GATHERED AROUND THEM. AS SKINNER AND KRABAPPLE WALK ALONG, WE SEE DIFFERENT CHILDREN STANDING AND SPEAKING.) SKINNER Ah, the Speaker�s Corner of Springfield Elementary Park. What a wonderful way to let the children pretend that freedom actually exists. KRABBAPLE (LIGHTING A CIGARETTE) And, since school lets out for the summer today, I really don�t feel like teaching them much of anything anyway. Ha! SKINNER Mmm-hmm. It�s win-win. Smell that heady, robust, aroma, Edna? That�s the smell of democracy in action. (THEY WALK PAST GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY, WHO SCOOPS INTO A BAG MARKED �MANURE� WITH A SHOVEL, TAKES OUT THE STUFF, AND PATS IT INTO THE GROUND. WE SEE MARTIN STANDING ON A MILK CRATE, A SMALL GROUP OF CHILDREN GATHERED AROUND HIM AS HE SPEAKS.) MARTIN �and that, my friends, is why the Japanese are ahead of us in every way! I suggest a call to arms! No more video games, no more cartoons, no more summer vaca� (MARTIN IS KNOCKED OFF THE CRATE BY A ROCK THROWN BY A MEMBER OF THE CROWD. NEXT, WE SEE RALPH STANDING ON A BOX. HE STANDS, SILENT, BEFORE A WATCHING, EXPECTANT CROWD OF CHILDREN. AFTER SEVERAL BEATS, RALPH SPEAKS.) RALPH I�m standing on the box where the talking kids stand. (NELSON APPEARS, JUMPS UP ON THE BOX, AND PUSHES RALPH DOWN. THE CROWD SIMPLY WATCHES. NELSON APPEARS MOMENTARILY THOUGHTFUL, AND BEGINS TO SPEAK.) NELSON I stand before you today to speak of�(PAUSE) Um, in the words of the great, um�(PAUSE) The only thing we have to fear�(TRAILING OFF) Aw, screw it! Gimme your lunch money, punks! (NELSON JUMPS DOWN INTO THE CROWD, CAUSING THE CHILDREN TO SCREAM AND SCATTER. FINALLY, WE SEE BART STANDING ON A SMALL RAISED PLATFORM. HE HAS A LARGE CROWD GATHERED AROUND HIM. BART USES CRUDELY DRAWN VISUAL AIDS AND SIGNS ATTACHED TO HIS PLATFORM. MILHOUSE STANDS ON THE GROUND BESIDE THE PLATFORM, HIS ARMS CROSSED, AND A CONFIDENT LOOK ON HIS FACE.) BART With this evidence, gathered by me, and my team of crack researchers (MILHOUSE NODS), we now believe that the grey aliens are here to use cows for food, while the green aliens are the ones who will actually conquer us. (THE CROWD OF CHILDREN GASPS IN HORROR.) MILHOUSE Also, the purple aliens are at war with the green aliens, but not the grey ones. BART If everything goes according to my plan, then the purple aliens will beat the green aliens, and save us all. (THE CROWD CHEERS.) MARTIN Then what will the purple aliens do? BART Milhouse? MILHOUSE Oh, they�ll conquer us too, but they�ll be cooler about it. (THE CROWD MURMURS AGREEABLY. NELSON, DOLPH AND JIMBO PUSH THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE CROWD.) NELSON Pssh. Did you even bother to cross-check those facts, Simpson? DOLPH Yeah, where�d you do your research? The Library? (NELSON, DOLPH AND JIMBO LAUGH. MILHOUSE GETS AN ASHAMED AND ANGRY LOOK ON HIS FACE.) BART I�ll have you know we used the finest research available. These facts come from that crazy old lady, interviews with local cult members, and mankind�s most trusted information resource�the New York Times! (THE CROWD MURMURS ITS DISAPPROVAL AND BEGINS TO WALK AWAY.) JIMBO Whatever, Simpson. I should have known better than to get the latest UFO information from a major-league moron like you. I�m gonna go watch MSNBC. (THE REST OF THE CROWD WALKS OFF, MUTTERING ABOUT HOW FOOLISH THEY WERE TO TRUST BART.) ATMSOPHERE Yeah, he doesn�t know anything. Shouldn�t have trusted him. Stupidest kid in school. Etc. (BART, DEJECTED, LOOKS DOWN AT MILHOUSE STANDING NEXT TO HIM. MILHOUSE LOOKS UP AT BART, AND THEN GLANCES AT THE VANISHING CROWD.) MILHOUSE Um, I still believe you, Bart. I�m just gonna run over there with those guys. (MILHOUSE LEAVES A DEPRESSED BART STANDING ON HIS PLATFORM ALONE.) CUT TO: INT: CLASSROOM: DAY (MS. KRABAPPLE, BART, MARTIN, MILHOUSE, ATMOSPHERE) (A TIRED LOOKING MS. KRABAPPLE SITS AT HER DESK IN FRONT OF THE CLASS. SHE RESTS HER HEAD ON HER HANDS, HER EYES HALF-OPEN AS SHE ASKS THE CLASS QUESTIONS IN A BORED MANNER) KRABAPPLE OK, class, if you can answer these simple questions proving that you learned something this year then school will be over and we can all go home. Who was the first President of the United States? Martin? MARTIN George Washington. KRABBAPLE Good. OK. Milhouse, what country do you live in? MILHOUSE Um�um�(STRUGGLING, THEN SUDDENLY) The United States!(SULKILY)But mom says next year it might be Angola. KRABAPPLE OK, Bart: How many skin cells make up the human body? BART (BEAT) Um�er�(SLYLY)Which human body? KRABBAPLE (SIGHS)OK, class, get out your books. Looks like we still have things to learn before we can go play outside for the summer. (THE CLASS LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW. THEY SEE AN ICE CREAM TRUCK, A VAN MARKED �MOBILE TOY STORE� AND A BUS MARKED �TO CIRCUS.� THE DRIVERS STANDING OUTSIDE THE BUS TALK TO ONE ANOTHER.) ICE CREAM DRIVER We better go, fellas. Looks like the kids don�t care about us this year. (THE DRIVERS GET IN THEIR VANS AND PULL AWAY FROM THE SCHOOL. THE CLASS TURNS TO SEE BART SQUIRMING IN HIS SEAT.) BART (NERVOUSLY) Heh, heh. I�m sure they�ll come back later.
ICE CREAM DRIVER (O.S.) (FAINTLY) No, we won�t! (BART SQUIRMS IN HIS SEAT AS THE CLASS THROWS WADDED UP PAPER, BOOKS AND TRASH AT HIM) ATMOSPHERE Stupid. Moron. Idiot. Ne�er do well. BART (GROANING) Oh� CUT TO: INT: KITCHEN: SIMPSON HOUSE: DAY (MARGE, HOMER, LISA, BART, SANTA�S LITTLE HELPER, SNOWBALL II) (MARGE PUTS FOOD DOWN FOR THE ANIMALS, WHO COME OVER TO THEIR DISHES AND BEGIN TO EAT.) MARGE Good pets! Santa�s Little Helper, you save some room for your big birthday surprise this Friday! (HOMER ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM) HOMER Hey, honey. MARGE (STARTLED) Ahh! HOMER I�m fine. Have you seen my dynamite? MARGE Aren�t you supposed to be at work? And what do you need dynamite for? HOMER To blow stuff up. Duh. (BART ENTERS, THROWING HER BACKPACK DOWN ON THE FLOOR. HE LOOKS SAD) MARGE Bart, honey, what�s wrong? BART My stupid school stupid sucks. They all think I�m the dumbest kid in Springfield. HOMER There, there, boy. You�re not the stupidest kid in Springfield. Remember that little boy who got the pencil stuck in his ear last week? MARGE (QUIETLY)Homer, that was Bart. BART I wanted to see if I could write on my brain! HOMER (EXCITEDLY)Did it work? BART I�m sick of being the stupidest kid in this town! I want to be smart! (LISA ENTERS, THROWING HER BACKPACK DOWN ON THE FLOOR.) LISA School�s out for the summer! Yay! HOMER (WISTFULLY)Ah, summer. A perfect season for swimmin� holes, apple picking, and blowing up Moe�s with dynamite. BART What are you so happy about, Lis? I thought you loved school. LISA I do, Bart, but for me, summer means more school. I�m going to the Springfield Heights Institute of Technology Junior Insta-Degree program. BART Summer school, eh? Do you think that would help me get smart? LISA Sure. This summer, we study the works of self-taught artist Henry Darger. After that, there�s a six-week symposium on square roots. BART Square roots, eh? LISA It couldn�t hurt. HOMER I�m proud of you, son. Intellectual development for it�s own sake is the finest thing a person can do. I�m off to Moe�s! Have a good summer, kids, love you, whatver. (HOMER EXITS.) BART (DETERMINED) Then I�ll do it! Say goodbye to the old Bart! I�m going to summer school! LISA Well, if you�re going, then I�m going too! BART (PAUSE) Um, yeah, you already said that, remember? LISA Oh, right. Heh. CUT TO: ACT II SCENE I INT: MOE�S TAVERN: DAY TWO (LENNY, CARL, MOE, BARNEY, HOMER, BARFLIES) (LENNY IS TALKING TO BARNEY AND CARL, JUST FINISHING UP AN ANECDOTE. WE CAN SEE MOE IN THE BACKGROUND, TALKING ON THE PHONE.) LENNY �And after all my money was gone, I realized that it wasn�t even the real stock market. BARNEY What was it? LENNY A cigarette machine. CARL The first clue should have been the cigarettes. LENNY Of course! (MOE SPEAKS INTO THE PHONE) MOE Yeah, that�s right. Gimme two hundred balloons, three dozen banners, and four dancing girls. How much is that? Really? OK, no girls. Oh, and make sure the banners say� (MOE SEES HOMER ENTER THE TAVERN) MOE CONT�D (YELLS) Holy frickin� crap! (MOE HANGS UP THE PHONE. HOMER TAKES A SEAT AT THE BAR, CLOSES HIS EYES AND BOWS TO MOE, HIS HANDS TOGETHER.) HOMER And a Holy Frickin� Crap to you. MOE Heh, heh�Homer. I was just�eh� (SUDDENLY, BARNEY INTERRUPTS, SHOUTING OVER TO MOE) BARNEY Hey, Moe! Did you order those party� (MOE THROWS A BEER MUG AT BARNEY. IT HITS HIM IN THE HEAD AND HE SLUMPS TO THE GROUND, UNCONSCIOUS. HOMER LOOKS AT MOE WARLIY.) MOE He, uh�hasn�t paid his tab, heh heh. (HOMER TURNS AWAY THOUGHTFULLY.) HOMER Party, eh? CUT TO: SCENE II EXT: COLLEGE QUAD: DAY 2 (THAD, KRISTY, CHARLES, TARA, LISA, MIKE, BART) (A GROUP OF CHILDREN ARE LINED UP WITH THEIR DUFFLEBAGS ON THE SIDEWALK. THEY ARE BEING ADDRESSED BY THAD AND KRISTY, THE TWO COLLEGE CAMP COUNSELERS.) THAD Hello, my name is Thad and this is my ex-girlfriend Kristy! Welcome to the Springfield Heights Institute of Technology! For those of you who are here voluntarily, this is going to be a great summer! KRISTY For, the rest of you: just pretend to enjoy it. We don�t want any trouble, got it? THAD OK, now we�re going to pair you up with your mentors. I�ll call your names in order of how important we perceive you to be. Wendell, Uter, Database, this means we�ll get to you last, if at all. (WENDELL, UTER, AND DATABASE LOOK SADLY AT THE GROUND.) KRISTY Wiggum, Ralph! Your mentor will be Charles Edwards III, captain of the school Polo team. (CHARLES STEPS FORWARD, LEANING DOWN AS HE SAYS HELLO TO RALPH.) CHARLES Tally-ho, old boy. And how are you? (RALPH BEGINS WAILING, BREAKING OUT INTO TEARS.) CHARLES CONT�D Oh, blast. THAD Simspon, Lisa. Your mentor is Tara, president of the Tri-Delt sorority. (A BUBBLY, CHEERFUL TARA STEPS FORWARD.) TARA Hi, Lisa! We�re going to learn so much! Do you know what a beer bong is? LISA Oh, God. KRISTY Simspon, Bart! Your mentor will be�Mike! (KRISTY CHECKS HER CLIPBOARD AGAIN.) KRISTY CONT�D Yup. Mike. (MIKE SHUFFLES FORWARD, HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS. HE IS DRESSED EXACTLY LIKE BART, AND IN FACT LOOKS LIKE AN OLDER VERSION OF HIM.) MIKE (SMILES) Hey, you ready to have a kick ass summer, Bartman? BART (TEARFULLY) It�s been so long since anyone called me that. CUT TO: INT: KWIK-E-MART: DAY 2 (HOMER, APU) (HOMER ENTERS THE KWIK-E-MART. APU SEES HIM FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND BEGINS TO SPEAK.) APU Ah, Mr. Homer. I am sorry, but I still have not found the three-thousand dollar bill you claim to have lost here yesterday. HOMER Ah, that�s OK, Apu�I mean. Yes. I am very angry. But, I suppose we could call it even if you gave me a free hot dog. APU My apologies again, sir, but all of the hot dogs have already been sold to�another customer. (HOMER SUDDENLY BECOMES INFURIATED) HOMER To who? Who bought them? Tell me, damn you, tell me! APU I am sorry, sir, but I cannot tell you due to Anti-Stalking law, which clearly states� HOMER You mean the Homer Simpson Act? APU That�s the one. HOMER Fair enough. See you, Apu. (HOMER TURNS TO LEAVE) APU Perhaps you would like to try the hot dog flavored squishee? HOMER Ewww! That�s disgusting! That would be like�like a taco flavored donut! Or a burger flavored Danish! Or a fish flavored fish sandwich! Mmmmmmm�fish flavorings. (APU STARES AT HOMER) HOMER CONT�D Got any fish sand�? APU (STERN) Thank you, come again. RESET TO: EXT: ROAD: DAY 2 (HOMER) (HOMER DRIVES ALONG, THINKING TO HIMSELF. AS HE DRIVES, WE HEAR HIS THOUGHTS.) HOMER Hmmm. Something�s going on. First, with Moe, and now Apu is acting funny. And then, Marge put on that suit of armor and started screaming about the French! Wait. I made that last part up. Still, I have to find out what�s going on! To my secret fortress! Wait, I don�t have a secret fortress. I think I�ll just go home. Then I�ll find out what�s up with Marge and that suit of armor. To the fortress! CUT TO: EXT: POLO GROUNDS: DAY TWO (WENDELL, RALPH, THAD, KRISTY, POLO PLAYERS) (THAD AND KRISTY LEAN ON A FENCE WATCHING POLO PRACTICE. THEY ARE APPROACHED BY WENDELL, UTER, AND DATABASE.) WENDELL Um, we were just wondering when� (THAD SHOOTS THE THREE A DIRTY LOOK. THEY WITHER AWAY UNDER HIS GLANCE.) RESET TO: EXT: POLO GROUNDS: CONTINUOUS (RALPH SITS BACKWARDS ON A POLO HORSE AS SOME FRUSTRATED PLAYERS GLARE AT HIM.) RALPH This horsie�s head is on backways. CUT TO: INT: FRATERNITY HOUSE: DAY 2 (LISA, FRAT BOY ONE, FRAT BOY TWO) (LISA IS AT A LOUD FRAT PARTY. SHE CLEARLY HATES BEING THERE, AND STANDS SCOWLING IN THE CORNER DRINKING MILK FROM A STRAW. A FRAT BOY STEPS INTO THE CENTER OF A GROUP OF PEOPLE AND SHOUTS LOUDLY.) FRAT BOY ONE Dudes! Watch what I can do! (THE FRAT BOY CHUGS THE BEER FROM EACH OF THE GLASS MUGS HE IS HOLDING. HE THEN SMASHES THEM AGAINST HIS HEAD, SENDING GLASS FLYING EVERYWHERE AS HE PASSES OUT. THE CROWD CHEERS.) LISA How disgusting. (ANOTHER VERY DRUNK FRAT BOY APPROACHES LISA.) FRAT BOY TWO Hey, baby, I�m in pre-med. (HICCUP) What�s your major? (THE FRAT BOY PASSES OUT, DROPPING TO HIS KNEES WITH HIS HEAD AGAINST LISA�S SHOULDER.) LISA (NERVOUS) Tara? CUT TO: INT: MIKE�S DORM ROOM: DAY TWO (MIKE, BART, CARTOON GIRL, JOKI-SAN) (MIKE AND BART SIT ON THE FLOOR OF MIKE�S DORM ROOM. THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY SNACKS, CD�S, TOYS, AND COMICS. THEY LAUGH AS THEY WATCH SOMETHING ON TELEVISION.) BART This is so cool! (WE SEE THE CARTOON THEY ARE WATCHING. IT�S A JAPANESE CARTOON WITH VERY BAD TRANSLATION INTO ENGLISH. A GIRL WITH GREEN HAIR AND BIG EYES HOLDS TWO SWORDS AS SHE YELLS AT A VERY OLD AND FAT MAN.) CARTOON GIRL This has been long time! You kill my sisters, Joki-san! I am angry! JOKI-SAN How am I supposed to do it! Ha ha ha ha! Why don�t you ask for God now? Ha ha ha! (WE SEE MIKE AND BART AGAIN. THE NOISE FROM THE CARTOON FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND.) MIKE It�s called Anime. Cool, huh? My freshman year roommate introduced me to it, before he went psycho. BART Wow. Roommates. Freshman year. Bad Japanese cartoons. Psychos. You college kids have got the life. MIKE Well, it�s not all so much fun. I mean, I do have to study occasionally. BART Oh, right. Homework. MIKE Hey, Bart. You didn�t really come here because you wanted to study did you? BART No, not really. I came�I came because all the kids in school think I�m dumb. I wanted to prove that I wasn�t. MIKE Hmm. You don�t remember names and dates very well, do you? BART Nope. I guess I am dumb. MIKE Bart, tell me the names of the last three �Radioactive Man� graphic novels, in order. (BART DOESN�T SKIP A BEAT) BART Fear Of That Which Is Nameless, Radio-Activist, and The Return of the Fear Of That Which Is Nameless. MIKE Good. Now, what years did they come out? BART No problem. 1997, 1999, and 2000. They skipped 1998 because the Atomic Energy Commission protested the� MIKE See, Bart? You�re not dumb. You just have to be interested, or at least pretend you�re interested in what you�re learning about. BART Wow�does it work for anything? MIKE Sure. I�m an accounting major. (BART SHUDDERS WITH HORROR.) CUT TO: ACT III SCENE I INT: UNIVERSITY LIBRARY: NIGHT (D-2) (BART, LISA) (BART SITS IN THE DARKENED LIBRARY, READING A BOOK BY CANDLELIGHT. HE LOOKS FOCUSED AND INTENSE. LISA SUDDENLY OPENS THE DOOR, ALLOWING A BIT OF LIGHT FROM THE HALLWAY TO CREEP IN.) BART Do you mind? I�m reading here. LISA Bart, is that you? Mike said you were here, but I never thought you�d be studying. BART Oh, I am Lis. I�m a changed man. LISA I still don�t believe it. Oh, wait, I get it. That�s a fake book, right? BART I�m glad you�re here, sis. I wanted to discuss some of the finer points of Botany, but Mike was all into something called �Monty Python.� LISA My God, Bart. That�s a real book! You�re really reading it! BART I�ve got some great ideas about Rhododendrons. Mind if I bounce them off you? LISA Actually, I came here to see if you wanted to hang out tonight. We�re going to go sit down at the lake and start a non-lethal bonfire. BART Pssh. Time waster. LISA Has Mike been giving you drugs? BART I would have thought that you of all people would understand, Lisa. I just have better things to do with my time now. I know how to study and not act so stupid. LISA Stupidly. BART Good catch. Thanks. LISA This is just so unlike you. What should I tell everyone? BART Tell them the old Bart is gone. CUT TO: EXT: SIMPSON FRONT YARD: NIGHT (D-2) (HOMER, NED) (HOMER IS SETTING UP A COMPLEX SERIES OF TRAPS IN THE BACKYARD. NED FLANDERS NOTICES AND APPROACHES HIM.) NED Hi-diddily-ho, there, neighbor. Ooh, nice spike pit. What�cha up to? HOMER (PROUDLY) Through a delightful series of misunderstandings and leaps of logic, I have come to the conclusion that someone is going to try breaking into my house. NED Um, Homer� HOMER Now, now, Flanders. Stay right where you are. (HOMER APPROACHES WHAT LOOKS LIKE A CROSSBOW SET UP ON THE TREE.) NED Homer, I hate to be a poop on the old party, as they say, but I just feel that I have to tell you� HOMER (OS) Hey, Flanders! Would you mind kicking that tripwire for me? NED Well, OK, but I just don�t think that�s a very good�(SCREAMS) Ahhhh! HOMER (OS) Never mind! (NED SCREAMS AND DUCKS AS AN ARROW GOES WHIZZING BY. HOMER COMES BACK OVER TO WHERE NED IS CROUCHING.) HOMER CONT�D (LAUGHING) Sometimes it just goes off like that. I�d say that was just about at eye level, wouldn�t you? NED Um�seemed more like chest level to me, buddy. HOMER Hmmm. You�re right. A bit more tweaking, then. NED Now, Homer, like I was saying, I�m not one to meddle in private affairs, but I�ve got Rod and Todd next door�and, well, I just don�t like the idea of traps� (HOMER PICKS UP A GIGANTIC, TWO BLADED AXE. HOMER STARES AT THE BLADES, TRANSFIXED.) HOMER (TRANCE-LIKE) Rod and Todd, yes. NED Gotta go. (NED QUICKLY LEAVES.) CUT TO: EXT: WINDOW UNDER MIKE�S DORM ROOM: NIGHT (D-2) (LISA, MILHOUSE, BART) (MILHOUSE AND LISA STAND AT THE WINDOW OF MIKE�S DORM ROOM, TALKING QUIETLY TO ONE ANOTHER.) LISA What makes you think he�s going to listen to you? MILHOUSE I know Bart better than anyone. You just stand back and let Milly push all the right buttons. (MILHOUSE BATTERS HIS EYEBROWS. LISA ROLLS HER EYES.) LISA (SIGH) OK� (MILHOUSE STANDS ON LISA�S SHOULDERS.) RESET TO: INT: MIKE�S ROOM: NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) (BART SITS AT A DESK, READING A BOOK TITLED �THE HISTORY OF HISTORY.� MILHOUSE POPS UP IN THE WINDOW.) MILHOUSE Hey, Bart! (BART BARELY LOOKS OVER.) BART Milhouse. Yes? MILHOUSE Uh, what are you doing? BART Studying. Leave now. MILHOUSE (LAUGHING) Uh-huh, yeah that�s funny. Uh�you wanna go do something else? BART Like? MILHOUSE Uh�anything? (BART DOES NOT RESPOND.) MILHOUSE CONT�D I saw this awesome dead bird over by the cafeteria. It was all moldy and it looks like it had it�s guts ripped out. I bet that would be fun. (BART REMAINS UNMOVED.) MILHOUSE I�ll be your best friend. BART Milhouse, I�m your only friend. (BART GETS UP AND CLOSES THE CURTAINS.) RESET TO: EXT: MIKE�S ROOM: NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) (MILHOUSE CLIMBS DOWN FROM LISA�S SHOULDERS) MILHOUSE That was my best material. I�m out of options. LISA Well, I�m not. MILHOUSE Um, I�m your friend, right Lisa? (MILHOUSE BATTERS HIS EYEBROWS. LISA ROLLS HER EYES AGAIN.) CUT TO: EXT: SIMPSON�S FRONT YARD: NIGHT (D-2) (HOMER, MARGE, GRANDPA, CAST) (HOMER SKULKS THROUGH THE BACKYARD, CHECKING HIS TRAPS.) HOMER Hee, hee, hee. Let�s see someone get through my wild animals� (HOMER PUSHES A BUTTON ON A REMOTE CONTROL. SANTA�S LITTLE HELPER AND SNOWBALL II FALL FROM THE TREE, ROPES TIED AROUND THEIR WAISTS. THEY LOOK SICK, AND PAW FEEBLY AT THE AIR AS THEY SWING AROUND IN A CIRCLE, DANGLING.) HOMER CONT�D Take that, Dr. Moreau. (HOMER SUDDENLY TURNS AROUND. WE SEE SOMEONE�S EYES PEERING OUT AT HIM FROM THE DARKENED KITCHEN. THE EYES DISAPPEAR.) HOMER CONT�D Oh, no! How did they get past my traps? (HOMER TURNS BACK TO THE ANIMALS. THE ROPE IS NOW AROUND SANTA�S LITTLE HELPER�S THROAT. HE FLAILS WILDLY AT THE AIR AS HE ATTEMPTS TO FREE HIMSELF.) HOMER CONT�D Marge! Maggie! TV! Beer! I�ve got to save most of them! (HOMER RUNS THROUGH HIS TRAPS. A GROUP OF CROSSBOW ARROWS FIRE AT HIM AS HE DUCKS THEM. HE JUMPS OVER THE DOUBLE BLADED AXES AS THEY POP UP FROM THE GROUND AND SWING AT HIM. AS HE NEARS THE DOOR, THE HOSE COMES ON AND SPRAYS HIS FACE.) HOMER CONT�D (SCREAMS) Acid! No! My face! (HOMER RELAXES) HOMER CONT�D Oh, right. It�s just water. (HOMER TAKES A DRINK FROM THE HOSE AND RUSHES THROUGH THE DOOR.) RESET TO: INT: SIMPSONS� KITCHEN: NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) (HOMER BURSTS INTO THE KITCHEN AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT. EVERYONE IN TOWN IS GATHERED THERE.) ALL Surprise! Happy Birthday! (A SURPRISED HOMER LOOKS AROUND THE KITCHEN. HE SEES HIS FRIENDS WEARING PARTY HATS, AND BANNERS WITH �HOLY FRICKIN CRAP� CROSSED OUT AND �HAPPY BIRTHDAY� WRITTEN IN BY HAND.) HOMER It�s my birthday? MARGE That�s right, Homie. Same day as the dog�s, remember? HOMER Then�Moe�s phone call? The missing hot dogs? Getting rid of the damn kids? That was all for me? MARGE Well, everything except for the kids, yes. I love you, Homie. HOMER Oh, Marge, I love you too. (THEY KISS. THERE IS THE SOUND OF AN ARROW BEING FIRED OUTSIDE. IT IS FOLLOWED BY A CRY OF PAIN, AND SOMEONE FALLING TO THE GROUND.) GRANDPA (OS) The doctor says I�m not allowed to have arrows in my thigh. Hello? CUT TO: INT: MIKE�S ROOM: NIGHT (D-2) (BART, LISA, MILHOUSE, (BART SITS AT A DESK, INTENTLY READING �A PEOPLES HISTORY OF SPRINGFIELD.� THERE IS A LOUD KNOCK AT THE DOOR.) FX: KNOCK BART Go away. Reading. LISA (OS) Bart, this is Lisa! Open up! BART No. LISA (OS) Then we�re coming in! (LISA, MILHOUSE, MIKE AND SOME OTHER STUDENTS BURST INTO THE ROOM. BART FROWNS AT THEM.) LISA Bart, for the love of God, stop reading! (PAUSE) It is so weird to say that� BART Getting jealous, Lis? LISA I�m not jealous! BART Yes, you are. You�re just all mad because I spent the summer improving my mind while you were at frat parties. LISA That�s ridiculous! MILHOUSE You�re not still seeing that med student are you? LISA What? No! This isn�t about me, this is about Bart! BART Is it, Lisa? Or are you just jealous because you�re not the brains of the family anymore? LISA Oh, I�m still the brains of the family. Bart, can�t you see what you�re doing? You�re neglecting your best friends�your family. BART Well, if you�re so smart, why don�t you tell me this: Who was the fourth person to sign the declaration of independence? What was the original name of New York? Where do babies come from? I know all of that now. Do you? Do you? LISA (QUIETLY) Bart, listen to yourself. (BART AND LISA SHARE A MOMENT AS BART LOOKS INTO LISA�S EYES. SUDDENLY, BART�S FROWN DISAPPEARS, AND CLARITY WASHES OVER HIS FACE. HE STANDS UP AND CLOSES HIS BOOK.) BART My God, Lis, you�re right. I wanted to be smart so badly that I forgot the people I care about. I�ll never read another book again. LISA Well, I wouldn�t go that fa� BART Never again. MIKE We know you�re not dumb, Bart. You�ll bloom when you find something you�re interested in, or when you�re parents force you into a major that you don�t really want, but threaten to cut off your support. (EVERYONE LOOKS AT MIKE) MIKE CONT�D What? MILHOUSE Hey, Bart! Now that we�re friends again, let�s go do something fun. I know where Thad and Kristy make out! BART (TENDERLY) Milhouse, my friend: I�ll bring the firecrackers. (THEY SMILE AT ONE ANOTHER.) RESET TO: EXT: CAMPUS: NIGHT (D-2) (THE SILHOUETTES OF MILHOUSE AND BART SNEAK ACROSS THE FIELD TO THE SILHOUETTE OF A COUPLE. WE HEAR THE HISSING OF A LIT WICK, AND AS WE FADE TO CREDITS, THE SOUND OF A MAN AND WOMAN SCREAMING AS FIRECRACKERS EXPLODE.) END
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