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Sept 26 2000 - 2:26 pm I recently had a chance to sit down with Andy Goldman, Teen Boy Scientist. Andy is a leader in his field and the author of a recently published paper called 'Why Chicks Like Assholes.' Me: Andy, thanks for doing this interview. Can you tell us a little bit about your research? Andy: Sure, Bill. Let me start by saying that my friends and I are all pretty normal guys. I mean, we're not 'pretty boys' or jocks, but none of us are really what you would call 'ugly.' We're smart, nice guys and we have good taste. Sounds good, right? But, when we got to high school we started to notice something peculiar. It seemed that all our attempts with Chicks were futile. One of our team hypothesized, after some basic observation, that Chicks really seem to prefer Assholes. We confirmed this with a simple experiment. Me: Mmm-hmm. Andy: Basically, we presented Chicks with two options: We had two cars parked outside school. One of them was driven by an Asshole. This guy had a really trendy haircut, was listening to some really loud, bad techno, and was wearing all name brand designer clothing. He was reading the sports page and nodding his head absently. That was the first option presented to the Chicks. Me: OK Andy: The second option was placed an equal distance from the school exit as the first option. We had a Normal Guy sitting in his borrowed family car, listening to They Might Be Giants (Flood) at a respectable volume, and reading a comic from the Factoid series, I believe it was the 'Conspiracies' issue. He had on some cool thrift clothing, too. Anyway, our research found that in 97.1% of cases, Chicks with a Hotness Factor of 8.4 or higher went to the car with the Asshole, confirming our hypothesis. Me: What were your conclusions as to why the Chicks made this choice? Andy: Well, upon being driven home and dropped off by the Asshole, all Chicks were made to take an exit survey. A large number of responses characterized the Assholes as 'conceited' and said that the Normal Guys were 'cute, but seemed like they might be boring.' Additionally, Chicks didn't enjoy how the Assholes treated them, ranking their Niceness as 'poor to fair.' After being dropped off by the Assholes, the Chicks would call their girlfriends on the phone and engage in a social ritual of complaining about the Assholes, which they seem to enjoy. We think that being treated Nicely by the Normal Guys negated this ritual, thus severing a crucial social link in the Chick communications system. Me: Interesting. What about the other 3%? Andy: Well, one of our Normal Guys totally lucked out. I mean, this really hot Chick went and drove home with him. They ended up dating for, like, two months. The guy was getting laid and everything. It was very cool, but eventually the guy started getting too into her and I guess was acting way too Nice. That's what the girl said when she dumped him anyway, but we do consider that one of our small successes. Next up, we're going to see if we can quantify Niceness, put a number on it, you know...and prevent something like that from happening to one of our Guys again. Me: So what does the future hold for Chicks and Asshole research? Andy: We're seeing some encouraging numbers coming back from our college-aged colleagues. They seem to suggest that there is a correlation between getting Chicks and intelligence as one gets older. Some of our Guys might simply have no recourse but to 'tough it out' through high school. Me: Andy, in conclusion, is there anything Normal Guys in high school can do to have the same success Assholes enjoy with Chicks? Andy: I don't fucking know, man.
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