It's easy to pick on television writing. It's fun and fashionable to decry television as the cause and/or reflection of mankinds' fall from grace. It's cool to blame it for all the ills of society. I guess all the ancient atrocities I learned about in history classes can be traced back to Jerrus Springus, the old Roman entertainer who produced Coliseum shows such as 'I Slept With Your Gladiator' and 'Binging and Purging: Behind The Scenes At The Bacchanalia." I don't know about you, but that kind of thing gets my Andoric column rising.

Have you ever found a really old newspaper? My grandmother passed away, and left boxes and boxes of old, useless junk. She would wrap said junk in old newspapers, sometimes dating back to the early '40s. Interesting stuff. It's almost like getting a free peek back in time when you read an everyday article about advancing Nazi tank columns. I mean, all of that is unimaginable, ancient history to us, but, for them, they read news of the war daily, next to sports scores and local happenings. But, I digress. Getting back to my original point, those front pages of the papers were plastered with some sick, downright scary stuff. Stories about mothers poisoning their kids. Murders, shootings, public drunkeness (my personal favorite...they quaintly described the perpetrators as being 'in a state'). Anyway, my point: These newspapers were published in the earliest of the '40s. Wait a minute. That was before the widespread proliferation of television. What could have been to blame? I guess those poor, pre-tube fools were held in the sway of some evil and suggestive radio broadcasts.

I think one of the tastiest facts that I have ever come across have to concern some ancient writings over 4,000 years old. Did you know that some texts have been found in which philosophers and other writers complain about the state of the world? One text in particular, dated around 2800 BC, was written by one frustrated thinker who believed 'the end of days must be near...the world is becoming violent...teenagers have no respect for their elders...they run wildly in the streets all day long.' Keep in mind, that document is nearly 5,000 years old. Good thing this guy was never around to see 'South Park.'

Now, let's see if I can bring this home. Yeah, most TV, and TV writing in particular, sucks. But, then again, most of the offerings in every other medium sucks, too. Anyone ever made you read their shitty poetry(or diary entries)? Ever wonder why those bands' tapes are in the dollar bin at WalMart? Ever had to compliment some relatives' hideous artwork? But, those things aren't in your face all the time. TV is different in that it's omni-present. It is there all the time, and its' shit is therefore made to stink that much more.

One way in which this crap takes form is in a new genre I've been noticing on TV lately, the Insult-com. This is a sitcom in which all the jokes take the form of oh-so-hilarious 'zingers' and 'don't go theres.' It's everywhere, but is most pronounced in shows like 'Will & Grace' and most of the dreck on the WB. Well, if these shows must resort to insults for laughs (and it appears they must), they should at least be smart insults, and, in that spirit, I submit some of my own barbs in the form of 'Your Momma' jokes. Enjoy:

Your momma so ugly...

She constantly dies on the inside, wondering if any man will ever truly love her.

Your momma so old...

She sits, silently staring out the window, waiting for the cold touch of Death to lead her to sweet oblivion.

Your momma stink so bad...

The doctors are unsure whether it is a glandular or genetic problem, and therefore cannot treat her.

Your momma so fat...

She will no doubt die before her time, leaving you and your siblings to fend for yourselves without parents.

Your momma so poor...

She was never able to afford adequate schooling for you, and you are doomed to blue-collar mediocrity.

Your momma so dumb...

The poor soul.

Damn, they sassy! Snapping your fingers in the air as you finish one of these crushing insults improves their effectiveness by 20-34%. Feel free to use any of these when faced in a contest of wit. Special thanks to McSweeneys.net for inspiration.