From the "You Can't Win 'Em All" Department:

"Dear Friend-

Unlike many cold, callous Editors, we at MAD believe that anyone taking the time and trouble to submit material deserves a warm, personal note rather than an indifferent form letter. So please consider this to be a warm, personal note rather than the indifferent form letter it really is!

Obviously, since no check fell out of the envelope, we didn't find your material acceptable. Sorry about that! We herewith return it to you as positive proof of our stupidity and poor judgement. Perhaps some of the statements listed below will offer more in the way of explanation. Then again, perhaps not. In any case, let us assure you that all submissions are read by at least one Editor and and not by some part-time High School English major!

Unfortunately, we cannot guarantee that one Editor has as much intelligence, taste, or capability as some part-time High School English major; so proceed at your own risk!

MAD-ly yours,

The Editors."

Ah, well. I'm sure there will be many, many more where that come from. And that's OK. At least MAD's form letter is pretty funny, which does help to soften the blow. They checked a box (the "statements listed below" they referred to) that said 'Material not in the MAD vein.'

Fine, then. Bastards.

Before I submitted my piece, I went to the store every few weeks to read an issue of MAD. I was convinced that what I had written was much funnier than any of the stuff I was reading. I still think it is.

However, Alfred E. Neumann does not agree.

At school, I was told by every professional I met that nearly everyone gets fired or passed over or rejected at various points in their careers. I can believe that. As such, I am taking this in stride, and I feel just fine about any and all of my future prospects.

What, me worry?

You could have guessed that was coming.

Anyway.

So, last night, I was thinking: You know how, whenever a comedian gets a sitcom, they always say that it's based on their comedy? I was trying to come up with what my show would be, based on what I've written here.

Sadly, my show would involve baking cakes, bleeding bathroom walls, killer radiators and beds, spilled jars of garlic, and the consumption of lots of coffee.

I smell Emmy.