I now know what it feels like for a girl.

A few weeks ago, my friend Natalie was visiting. Around here, we are quite comfortable with Natalie and her visits, and therefore I was doing the casual thing, sitting around shoeless and sockless, my feet exposed to the world. Natalie put forth that she should enjoy painting my toenails.

"Why not?" I thought. "I'm an open minded, forward thinking fellow, and I've never had my toenails painted before."

So, Natalie whipped out a glittery green nail polish and proceeded to paint only the big toe on my right foot.

Three or so weeks later, if one were to casually glance at my feet, they might think I was inflicted with some sort of dread disease. The upper half of my right big toe now looks sickly green, and not at all like the sparkly, glamorous green it once was.

I just don't feel pretty anymore.

So, now I'm a fugitive from the law.

Last night, as I was going out, I went to my car which was facing the opposite direction that I needed to go. U-turns are a funny, pseudo legal thing here in Los Angeles, and I made a thorough check before I did one, making sure there were no vehicles with which I could collide, and no police cars about to bust me.

So, I execute my turn, get on the north facing side of the street, and a squad car is seen in my rearview mirror, apparently having materialized out of thin air.

He must have somehow just passed me. He was still on the other side of the street, facing south. I was approaching an intersection, facing north.

His lights came on. He slowed down. He was preparing to turn, and I knew he was coming for me and me alone.

"Awww, raspberries," I lamented. "Looks to me like I've been nicked by the fuzz. I best play it cool as jazz before I end up in the hoosegow."

OK, actually, I didn't think all of that goofy 20's slang. More precisely, the thought that went through my mind was a taut, economic "Fuck."

I pulled over to the curb at the intersection. In my experience, cops don't like high speed chases on major thoroughfares. Besides, I still have my Illinois drivers license, so my plan was to play the "Gosh, officer, I've only been here for a few weeks and all my friends say that U-turns are legal in Los Angeles, and I didn't know I was doing anything wrong, Officer Mister Sir" card.

If that had failed, I was going to cry and show some man-tit.

So, I was prepared to accept my fate, and, in a sick way, a little excited to exercise and test my "get out of jail free" skills. Oddly, I find it kind of fun. Naturally, I'd rather not be pulled over at all, but, when it happens, what else can you do? Does anyone else out there actually enjoy attempting to talk their way out of tickets?

Anyway, it was at that moment that fate intervened.

Like I said, I was waiting at a four way intersection. The cop was on the other side of the street, lights-a-blazin', ready to come over and fuck up my evening for doing something that everyone else in LA does all damn day.

Just as the cop was going to turn and come up behind me, a flurry of southbound traffic started to zip by him. The cars weren't stopping, and he was going to have to wait it out. I could see that there was plenty of traffic coming to keep him waiting for a good minute or so.

I had a choice. I could A) sit and wait and absorb a reprimand for my meager infraction, or B) take the fuck off down this side street to my right.

I went with B.

I drove down the street, writing the new "Gosh, officer" script in my head for this situation, just in case. I was on the run now, though, and it was obvious, and I'm sure it wouldn't have done me any good at this point. I took a left at the first intersection I came to. There was a long stretch of street in front of me, and I considered pulling over in front of a parked car, as if the cop happened to cruise by, he would definitely see me hightailing it out of there.

Luckily, two cars pulled onto the street behind me, giving me cover.

I was home free, and I hadn't even had to go out of my way.

Of course, I'm sure there's a station worth of cops patrolling my street now, just waiting for the guy who gets into the white Geo Metro.

I will accept my baton beating with my characteristic good nature and aplomb.

And like I said last week, all interested Los Angeles residents come to the Improvolympic tonight at 8pm, where they will see yours truly perform. It's only one dollar times the roll of a six sided die. Also, Beck is going to be there!*

*Not at all true.