n o w p l a y i n g - s c r i p t b i n - f a n c l u b - s t u d i o

make love to the camera



December 09, 2002 - 11:20 am

$ 1 6 7

Wow! I just saw a commercial for the second Lord Of The Rings movie! I can�t wait to not see it!

You know what the main problem is with Los Angeles? This city will never, ever wake up in the morning to a fresh overnight snowfall.

This city does not earn its weather. An endless string of days with temperatures between 60 and 70 degrees isn�t paradise or heaven. It�s an extraordinarily boring form of torture.

What value is all this pleasant mildness without a harsh winter to balance it out? Who cares that you get to wear a t-shirt in July if you don�t have to wear a sweater and winter coat in January?

The weather here is very much like a new lottery winner. Sure, you�re rich, but no one is impressed that you got the money. You were just lucky.

This city will never know coming inside to take off cold, wet socks and putting your feet on the warm, hissing radiator. These kids will never know snowmen. It will never know the sound dampening silence of a snowstorm and the ghostly brightness of a block full of bare tree branches made white and heavy.

Useless, unearned pleasant weather.

That officially concludes the �I Hope Southern California Snaps Off Our Country and Becomes the New, Tacky Atlantis Very Soon� portion of today�s entry.

Anyway. Hi!

I�m still unemployed, and last week was a waste of time, except for the fact that I read Dave Egger�s �You Shall Know Our Velocity,� which I highly recommend, and that I saw �Adaptation,� which I only somewhat recommend. These were the only edifying things I did, unless you count FadeIn, which I don�t.

What else?

Oh, in all the hullballoo surrounding my firing by Mickey Mouse himself, I forgot to tell the tale of Bill�s First Thanksgiving Alone.

Jonny was down in Arizona, visiting relatives, and I didn�t have the cash to go home for Turkeyrama and again for Christ-O-Rama, so my plan was just to hang out in Los Angeles doing not much. A spontaneous plan was hatched to go up to San Francisco with my friend Edie, during which I was going to visit Sez. That plan was quickly scrapped when I was terminated of my employ.

So, Thanksgiving Day came upon me, and my plan was to sit in my apartment, eat pizza, and entertain myself through the use of various electronic devices. As the day progressed, though, I found myself imagining the activities of my fellow Americans, and suddenly became aware of the fact that I was not engaging in the traditional consumption of turkey, stuffing, and mashed potaters.

I found some motivation and my socks, and I leapt into my white 1997 Geo Metro (herein referred to as The Pod, as it does indeed look like a little space pod) and headed for the local grocer. Despite the holiday, it was open, and sparsely populated, and I wandered the frozen food aisle until I found my prey: The Hungry Man 1 � pound Turkey Dinner.

It�s contents? Exactly what I sought: Turkey, mashed potato, and stuffing.

You would think that I would have felt soul-crushingly depressed that I was in an overlit grocery store staffed by sad people forced to work the holiday purchasing a frozen approximation of Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving day.

I was more amused than depressed. It�s very ridiculousness prevented depression. The awareness of how sad it was supposed to be ended up making it funny.

I then went home and wept.

Well, not really.

I must now go and seek opportunities for gainful employment. I�ve learned that when my unemployment benefits kick in a few weeks from now, I will be taking home a whopping $167 a week.

I miss Midge. Midge, are you reading?

Tomorrow: The Ballad of Bill and Edie.

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