I just saw a commercial that advertised a staplegun as "The World's Number One Staplegun!"

Can you imagine that board meeting? Let me help you: Board room, corporate meeting. A man suddenly stands up. Both hands on the conference table, he leans forward and, with a serious glare, focuses on the StapleCo president. Somberly, he says: "This staplegun is the best fucking staplegun the world has ever seen. This is the best damn staplegun mankind can produce with our current level of technology. You, sir, would be a damnable fool if you were not to produce this item." Stunned silence, and a few moments pass. The man speaks again. "You know what? I change my mind. I don't want you to make this staplegun. I don't think humanity can handle it. I don't think it's ethical to unleash a staple gun of this caliber upon the world. No! I refuse to reveal the secrets of this staplegun technology! It would be unfair to documents of the earth!"

Of course, the staplegun is bought for a ridiculous, but fair, amount. Because, hey, great pitch.

Hi. I'm back.

You know, I think people should only be allowed one 'triumphant return' per annum, and since I used mine when my hard drive went all kerblooey, I can hardly expect or demand any fanfare this time around. However, one person did dump me as a favorite during my time of crisis, and I don't know who it was, but, you know, baby, if you want to kick me when I'm down, then you didn't truly love me anyway. Shooooooot.

So, hello.

So, what have I been up to all this time? The usual. Schoolin', livin', lovin'. I'm sure there are hundreds of fun anecdotes that are now lost to history becuase of my damn iMac and it's tendency to die every two months. Ooh, but speaking of anecdotes and my Mac, I can tell you this: The repair-nerd at MicroCenter looked at me with a straight face and told me I have a "touchy unit."

Too easy.

So, back in the days before my computer was all goofified, I said I would tell the story of the last day at the show. Of course, how would the tales of those events be complete without mentioning my various brushes with celebrity? I was thinking about the Kyle Chandler story, and I realized there wasn't anything very amusing about it. Of course, that has never stopped me before.

What happened was, myself and this office guy Chris were hanging out back near the trailers, having a smoke and a beer towards the end of the night of the last shoot. Kyle Chandler comes out of the studio, having just finished shooting his last scene of the episode, and, really, his last scene of the whole series, since it was cancelled. So, he walks up to Chris and I. He apparently knows and talks to Chris, which was kind of a learning experience for me, since I didn't know how well administrative got along with talent. But WAJ is a friendly place, and so I guess there is quite a bit of co-mingling among the stars and crews. Whether or not that's unique, I don't know. Anyway, he introduces himself to me, shaking my hand, and joins us for a beer and a smoke. That's all. No big deal. I was even all cool about it, making jokes and everything. So, what I learned here was, Bill will not turn into a complete dingus when confronted with a celebrity. That was good to know. He made it easy, though, because he acted just like a regular fellow. An extremely good looking and physically intimidating fellow, but regular none the less. Yay for humble celebrities.

My other big celeb encounter was the hassaling I endured from Jeff Garlin. You may know him as Jeff Greene, Larry David's best friend on 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.' All night, whenever the man encountered me, he made a joke about my being an intern. Specifically, he thought it was hilarious to ask me if I was getting credit for this. The first time he asked me, I told him "Not this semester." He laughed, thinking I was referring to the fact that show had just been cancelled, when I was in fact simply taking his question literally. I let it go. Later, he asked me again. I didn't really say anything that time, instead choosing just to laugh. I mean, it was a bit odd since he had made the very same joke a few hours before. Finally, after the shoot, a few of us were just sitting around in one of the apartment sets. He asks me again if I was getting credit for this. I said, not in a mean or exasperated way, "Look, I'll just have my internship co-ordinator send you the papers to fill out, since you're so interested." The group laughed, Jeff laughed, and all was OK. Jeff then took the opportunity to proclaim: "The sitcom, as a form, is dead."

Don't ask me. That particular vein of the discussion didn't last very long. Soon after, the topic turned to Yahoo fantasy football and I got bored and wandered away. I was then afraid that I might have to start liking sports if I was going to join the Hollywood Boy's Club. We'll see.

So, those were the celeb encounters. I never got to meet Joan personally, but at least her husband remembered me from last season. John Cusack wasn't there, as I was hoping he would be, and her little sister Suzy didn't show. Oh, well.

And thus ended Joan. I made a lot of contacts, and it was a really fun experience. I'm hoping it comes in handy down the line.

As promised, I have some photo-tastic evidence of my time with 'What About Joan.' A few snapshots from the last night on the set, and other randomness.

First: Here's a prime example of another way in which diaryland has crossed over into my real life. I've mentioned before how I write for a tv show that my school produces. Recently, one of my classmates wrote a scene for the show in which there is a bit of subtle sexual tension between the main character Eryn, and her roommate's girlfriend Molly. Originally in this scene, Molly was to be listening to Ani DiFranco. However, since my school can't acquire the rights to big time music, we were going to be forced to use something cheesy from the public domain. The show was saved from this with a little help from good ol' Sez, who I asked to provide music. She nicely agreed, and now look:

So, you see how this internet friend has invaded my life. Now, I really hate when Molly says "Smoky, huh?" I have never heard that phrase uttered in relation to anything, ever. The reason it's there was because that little section was written in by my professor, and, she's good, but sometimes she writes too much like a writer. I'm going to get it changed to a more bearable "Cool, huh?" when we get into rehearsal and can hear for ourselves how bizarre it sounds spoken out loud. You have to know both when and where to choose your battles here, as if I had tried to get it changed at the table, it may have come off as nitpicky.

Next slide: From the back of the studio, overlooking the lot with the star's trailers.

That's my hand holding the script. I like that one.

Next: A picture from inside the production offices.

I had a cool picture of a cue card, on which was written something that Joan was supposed to say about September 11th, but that picture didn't come out.

Ah, the green room, God bless it. Here are just a few of the tasty treats I so often mentioned. This room basically had anything that you would find in, say, a 7-11. It was nothing, though, compared to the Kraft Services, but they had already put all the food away by the time I started sneaking around with the camera.

On to other things: I mentioned ice in my last entry. Specifically, that I own ice cube trays now. I didn't own them before because, well, I am a freak. See, I used to buy ice by the bag because I liked a ton of ice in my drink. This was an expensive habit, and paying for frozen water is inherently foolish. So, being the resourceful chap I am, I discovered through careful experimentation that coin cups from Bally's casino are extremely durable and flexible when frozen (Monte Carlo cups, Caesar's Palace cups, and Aladdin cups tend to crack). I simply fill the Bally's cup with water, put it in the freezer overnight, and I have a huge ice cube. Melt it a bit under some hot water, and, voila: ice.

Pictured is an empty Bally's cup and the ice it spawns. I bought ice cube trays because, as you can see, this is a bit much to explain to any potential guests. Also, ice cubes are better for orange juice.

Give me a break. I'm yet a bachelor. I can have weird habits for a while.

Finally, I mentioned a project I was doing for class. The theme was community, so I walked around and took pictures of the places I frequented near my apartment. This is my el platform:

I don't really like that picture of myself, but I like the picture itself.

That's all. I'm back, baby.