All things considered, this week actually went by pretty quickly.

Small mercies.

I'm doing better. I'd be lying if I said I were 100%, because I'm so very much not. But...it does get easier with time. The thoughts get easier to live with.

To answer a concern that was raised once or twice: People, people. Give me a little credit. I know that I can't just "decide to not be in love with someone." I know it doesn't work that way. I don't think I can just walk over to the Emotion Control Panel and flip the love switch to off. It's a process, and I know it. The esteemed Anx said it best when he said that love was something "you need to starve, and then one day, it just falls off."

That, pretty much, is what I'm going for here.

I'm not quite sure why I've been so open and honest about what I'm feeling lately. You guys know that most of the time, I'm more than happy to come here and make jokes about garlic, or bleeding bathroom walls, or make fun of bad movies, or talk about how much I enjoy food. I usually don't get very deep, and I'm fine with that. I dig the laughing.

But this. I view this as one of the most important events of my life so far. Somehow, I feel I can't not talk about it. I feel like shouting "I'm in love with a girl, but she won't have me, and the pain of that is so intense and real it goes right down to my very guts, it goes right down to the center of who I am." I don't really care who knows, because there's just no denying it.

And I really do mean that, without hyperbole. It feels that fucking bad. And that intense.

Pretty boys who play guitar get paid a lot of money to tell you that every day.

I am thankful for these last few months. I'm not thankful for the pain of it all. The pain, I could have done without.

But, I am thankful that I've learned so much about myself. Being alone and being without her made me realize where I was, and exactly what it was I wanted. I would not have the appreciation I have for her and what we had together if I had come out here and started seeing someone, or if I had stayed there and stayed with her. I wouldn't know that I could make this emotional quantum leap and realize that I was ready for a life with her.

That's so big. So big for a guy who likes to flirt and play and never, ever saw himself ready for marriage until his late, late twenties, early thirties. This move, not having her, and all of the shit that I've had to go through associated with that, has taught me so much and really has given birth to a new and hopefully better Bill.

I've been on a little journey, and I now know myself better.

Kinda cool.

So, I'm establishing roots here. Opened a new bank account, finally. Going to start an improv class at the IO West in a few weeks. I'm going to utilize Los Angeles. Meet people. Have fun.

I made my offer. I was turned down. If she's the Diane to my Sam, it's time to toss her off my boat.

Well, you know, in a nice way. And only metaphorically. I'd still like to be friends.

(You know, as a sidenote, I was always thought there was something kind of tender and familial about Sam doing that. Am I alone here?)

On a final note: Way too many of you are using Kenny Rogers as your font of wisdom.

And now that fucking song is stuck in my head.

Thanks.

Bastards.