I know you miss me.

Oh, you pretend you don�t. You sit over there, acting all cool, going about your life, writing your own entries. But I know what you�re feeling right now.

I know it hurts. But don�t take it personally. I haven�t changed the way I feel.

It�s not you, it�s me.

Has anyone really ever had that said to them? Really?

Heya.

I don�t know what�s going on. I�m here, in this city, living my life, doing my job, showing my scripts to the right people, getting involved in improv again. I�m doing all these little things here and there to get me closer to what I think I want. I�m doing everything I�m supposed to do.

And I�m still not happy.

It�s strange. I know a large part of my unhappiness right now comes from the way I feel about Los Angeles. I just don�t like it as a city at all, especially not compared to Chicago.

It�s fucking November 18th, and it�s 85 degrees here. It�s just so wrong.

When you hate the city you live in, it�s almost like being in a bad relationship with someone you don�t love. You�re just tolerating it until you can figure out what to do.

It makes me wonder about my life, question all my moves to this point. Is an eventually very lucrative career doing something that seems really, really fun worth torturing myself every day? What exactly am I willing to sacrifice for my career? Is the fact that I don�t like Los Angeles a sign that I shouldn�t be here?

And then, on the other hand, a lot of signs point to reasons for me to stay. I show up in an ultra competitive town and less than two months later I�m already on my second industry job. I show up, do my little writing program, and get hired out of it the next week. There have been people in this town who have been trying to get jobs like these for years. The first job for the executive producer of my show was selling hot dogs outside an Iranian nightclub.

Is my incredible luck evidence that I�m doing exactly what I�m supposed to do? Or is it just a testament to the fact that I can be charming and funny for a half hour at a time during my interviews?

Is Los Angeles really not the city that best matches me, or do I miss Chicago because my life was so damn good there?

This isn�t me missing a relationship that�s over. This isn�t me feeling sick of being the monkey-boy Production Assistant.

This is me wondering what I value and where I want to spend the next few years of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give up everything I�ve done so far, go home to Chicago, get some kind of 9 to 5 and do the improv/writer thing from there. Sometimes I wonder if I should stick it out here, move to a better neighborhood eventually, and go for that fat, greasy TV money.

It�s November 18th and it�s 85 degrees and sunny in Los Angeles.

It�s November 18th and it�s cold and snowy in Chicago.

One of those situations is so much more appealing to me than the other.