n o w p l a y i n g - s c r i p t b i n - f a n c l u b - s t u d i o

make love to the camera



December 15, 2003 - 1:14 pm

Nice Coma

My prediction for this weekend's SNL: A Queer Eye makeover of Saddam and his spider hole.

I love how all the news networks can't stop saying that he was caught "like a rat." I'm sure this kind of gloating wins us a lot of friends in the Arab world, and it also simply smacks of class and professionalism.

"Yeah, we got Saddam, and he was laying in a hole, crying like a little girl, all like 'Please don't hurt me, I'm a special little rat boy.' The soldiers then forced Saddam to call himself a "ratty ratty fat rat" and made him play 'Stop Hitting Yourself' until they gave him a wedgie-slash-swirlie, also known as 'the dreaded rear admiral.' He then cried again and asked for his "ba-ba." What a baby, that Saddam. P.S. He was caught like a rat! A RAT!"

In truth, you�re actually very happy I haven�t been updating these past few weeks, because if I had, you would have been mostly reading about the prison-strength screwjob I�ve suffered at the hands of the LA Superior Court and their traffic department.

Briefly: Just when I had finished paying off $1060 worth of tickets (which are really, really easy to let go when you�re unemployed) and was about to register my car and renew my tags, LA let me know that I still owed them $436 for skipping a court date I never even knew I had.

So I went further into debt to pay that off, and just when I thought I was out of the woods on that one, just when I thought that all that stood before me and my being a straight and narrow member of the populace was a smog check and some registration fees, I was told I was going to have to have the courts send an �abstract� to the DMV to make sure that my license wasn�t suspended, and I could pay them $7 for that pleasure.

It�s just one thing after another. I can�t wait for whatever�s next. I�m sure they�ll come up with something good, like a $300 Guys Named Bill Driving Tax.

I�ve never missed my CTA pass more.

So, yeah. Did you want to read two weeks worth of that? No. No, you did not.

I don�t even know how to frame this entry, exactly, because so much has happened and so much has changed since the last time I really wrote. Without exaggerating, I can say that there has been Romance! Celebrity! Personal Triumph!

There is also a beard. But I�ll save that.

Let�s get chronological.

The week before last, our entire office was invited to the Motorola Toys for Tots party. We got our invites not because of our collective fabulousness, but because they were using the empty space next door to our place of employ for the party and we had been putting up with sound checks and construction all week.

The party was posh. They painted the industrial looking place bright pink. They set up mattresses hanging from the ceiling by chains. A lush carpet was put in place, along with giant, clear plastic half-spheres inside which very hot dancers did very hot dances. There was an open bar nearly half a city block long, hors d�oeuvres everywhere you turned, and opportunities for name dropping galore. The cast of The OC was in attendance. Tori Spelling, Melissa Joan Hart, David Allan Grier (who I apparently almost knocked over) all milled about, and I�m told that the guy who played Greg on the original Brady Bunch and Jackee from 227 were spotted getting on famously. Oh, and Pink played a set, hence the pink theme.

My favorite celeb mention of the night goes to a famous guy I didn�t even see. Robin came to meet me at the party, and I briefly left to meet her outside and give her a bracelet that would allow her entry. When I came back to the gate I�d just left, I was told that the party had reached its� capacity, and I wouldn�t be allowed back in. Fine, I thought, I�ll just go around the other way.

I did, and a security guard stopped me. I told him I had just left the party for a moment and I was returning. He didn�t want to let me in, and we began to argue while Robin gently tried to pull me away. Finally, exasperated with me, the security guard finally said �Look, buddy, I didn�t let David Spade into this party, and he�s a somebody!�

I began loudly mocking the fact that he just threw David Spade�s name at me. I was quite drunk, and, I�m sure, quite idiotic.

Not to be deterred, I went to the next gate, where I told the security guard that my office was ten feet away from where I was standing, and I was going to my office, and he was going to let me go to my office. I also waved some keys around, as if to say �I have keys!�

Somehow, we got in. Pink ended her set as we tried to navigate our way through the crowd. It was after that I almost killed David Allan Grier, but that�s more a moment than a full fledged anecdote.

I am fully enjoying the fact that I get into the places David Spade can�t.

Later that night, as Robin and I were talking before we went to sleep, she finally told me what the both of us had been dancing around for a while, but which we knew was coming. And I said it back to her, and it was true. I am so glad she had the guts to come out with it, because there had been nights I�d be laying there with this beautiful, funny, intelligent girl, holding her fondly in my arms, all nuzzled up to me, and I tried to convince myself that it was much too soon for �I love you.�

I think what clinched it was our Thanksgiving together. We both had ample time off, and the way we spent it was just idyllic. I think we may have slept over five or six nights in a row, had dinners together, went to movies, walked on the beach, spent a lot of time just laying around and talking.

We�re pretty disgusting, and it�s great.

The personal victory was finally achieving my long pursued goal of getting on an official team at the Improvolympic. This was the third audition, and I got myself a callback, and the callback went amazingly well. So, I�ve finally got the validation I was working for from the theater, and that feels pretty damn good.

So. I go home to Chicago on Saturday, finally, for the first time since last Christmas. I can�t wait, but I have to get through this week first. There�s an IO party tonight, an Excuses show tomorrow night, another show and my new team meeting on Wednesday, and then the Sony Christmas party on Thursday. By the time I have a free night to myself to sit down and relax, I�ll be knee deep in a pile of dirty laundry that�s waiting to visit my mom�s washing machine.

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