n o w p l a y i n g - s c r i p t b i n - f a n c l u b - s t u d i o

make love to the camera



July 11, 2004 - 2:36 pm

I Should Probably Develop a Drinking Problem

Ah, Diaryland...why is it that I've come to neglect you so? It's not that I completely ignore you, not at all. I'm aware of the D'land every day I'm not updating, but I only check in with the diaries I read about once a week. It's like a Sunday morning ritual for me, and I likes it just fine that way.

I'm also well aware that I'm long overdue for a redesign, but then I'd have to renew my gold membership, and I'm not really sure I care enough to pop thirty bucks into the online void just so I can put up some pretty pictures.

So that's where I am right now, diary-wise. I also don't write that often because I feel like my life is pretty damn routine. I go to work, go do some improv, form opinions about stuff, discard them, maybe write stuff on weekends, discard that, and in between it all I buy a hot mocha and see of there's a shirt at a thrift store I like.

I'm in fine spirits lately, in that I'm not particularly unahppy. But I feel a bit Zombified, somehow. And I guess when you feel Zombified, you don't place a high priority on making note of life's little episodes that easily translate into spiffy little entries of fun.

Zombification of America's near-youth is a serious dilemma. Commonly, this condition can afflict those in their late twenties who are still in the midst of sorting out their priorities. The symptoms of this condition can include a big fat Elephant of Decision that hangs out in your room, and when he's in there, there's hardly room for anything else.

Zombies and elephants. Clearly there was LSD in my morning coffee.

Anyway, there's stuff on my mind, and we're going forward today with the premise that airing it out here may be beneficial. It may not be riveting diary-ing, but fuck it. Let's see if putting some words down on it makes anything clearer.

I'm dealing with a lot of unanswered questions. What if I move back to Chicago (under the premise of it being temporary and finding a decent job, as I refuse to go back to merely temp or PA) and it ruins the career momentum I'm just starting to get here? And so what if it does? How much do I really care about sitting in a room for ten hours a day coming up with jokes for a sitcom? How important is it to me to see 'Written By Billy FadeIn' on a movie screen or tv screen? Would the huge amounts of money make it worthwhile? What would I do with the money? Buy property in a city in which I don't really want to live? Property that I can only really enjoy on weekends because the industry would have me working 10-12 hours a day?

And in the first place, did I move out here to follow a dream, or to follow money? Am I doing this because I want to do it, or because I know I'm good at it and can't think of another job in which I could put these skills to use? Is knowing that I'm good enough for me, or do I really feel like I have to prove it? To who? Strangers that are trying to do the same thing?

Why is it so frustratingly fucking important to me to live in a city that I like? Why can I just not get into Los Angeles like everyone else who loves it here?

Why are Sally and I not over each other after two years of being apart and six months of not talking? If she's the one for me, what am I going to do about it? If she's not, what am I going to do about it?

Yeah, big important life stuff that I almost feel guilty for even thinking about.

O, the woe of being a moderately well-heeled straight white twenty-nine year old American male!

Still. I feel almost frozen until I get these things resolved. Perhaps you can see why I'm having such hard time lately keeping sight of the amusing little details...

Last Time On FadeIn - Next Week's Show

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