Most of my work today centers around a group of seven plucky Ukranian kids. Their parents smell a little funny, like too many cigarettes, but they're extremely polite and and the kids are all right.

Their favorite food: Pizza. Two of the boys told me that their favorite thing to do with their friends was "walk in the park and talk." Does it get any cuter than chubby Ukranians?

Man! I was going to take a break from Diaryland for a few days. I wasn't feeling the love. No mojo. Or, I wasn't caffeinated enough. But, Diaryland, I address you now: Your charms are hard to resist, baby. Sometimes, when I see you over there looking all sexy with your blank entry page just waiting for me to come along and fill you up, it makes me want to grab you and throw you down and have my way with you in a frenzied orgy of moist nasty word-love! Damn, woman!

Mmmmmmm....creeepppy.

Anyway, I think quitting smoking is making me get fat. I swear to you, if I were eight years old right now, my mom would be buying me clothes from the 'husky' section. Additionally, I have a little extra money because I'm not spending $43 a day on cigarettes, but it's not like I'm not poor. Couple that with the fact that I'm on my way outta town and I am relationship gold.

Fat, poor, non-smoking SWM seeks three, maybe four months of love, tops.

Line up!