"Three days and no FadeIn!" you cry. "What's going on? CNN says nothing about his whereabouts, and my local paper's coverage is woefully inadequate!"

I AM BACK.

Yeah.

So, anyway, hi. You know, they say that no matter what profession you choose to pursue, you should do one thing every day to reach that goal, no matter how small that one thing might be. Well, that's what I've been doing these past few days. I am glad to report: I have secured employment.

Final-fucking-ly.

It's nothing too fantastico. Just some administrative office crap at a local hospital. As Sally put it: "You're going to be that little old lady who sits in the window that you talk to when you show up for an appointment." Indeed. But, they want me, they really want me, the pay is good, benefits exist, it's close to home, the hours aren't freaky, and they swore they would let me practice basic neurosurgery on vagrants. Sweet. They are very willing to accomodate my schedule once my final semester starts in September, so that's pretty flippy.

In other news, I've fully reversed myself from down in the doldrums no-fun guy by setting a goal to accomplish by the end of the summer: Getting my lazy ass published. I'm working on an article for the teen girl magazine market, as well as a short story.

Can you believe that some of the more well-known consumer mags pay $1-$1.50 a word? Fucking bloody fuck. Most of their features are anywhere from 2500-4500 words, too. It would be so swank to sit at home in air-conditioning, writing two or three articles at a time, having a smoke whenever I want. Oooh, baby, if I can get that kind of life for myself while I'm looking for a TV gig. Mmm-mmm. I feel good.

"Somethin', grabs hold of me tightly, flow like a harpoon daily and nightly! Will it ever stop, yo? I don't know. Turn off the lights, and I'll glow!"

Good Lord. Are you more disturbed by the fact that I just quoted Vanilla Ice lyrics, or by the fact that, if pressed, I could probably quote the whole song? To those of you who remember Robert Van Winkle, I apologize. Remember that guy Snow who was popular for about 12 seconds? Man.

I once knew a girl who claimed that she hung out with both the Beastie Boys and Vanilla together on the same night in some Florida nightclub. She claimed that this was after Vanilla's height of power, and that he was currently going by the name 'Pickle.' I couldn't decide whether this detail could lend more or less credence to her claim. Unfortunately, there is no way I can ethically spice up this second hand anecdote with any details of Pickle Sex. Sorry.

Finally, as a public service, there is something which I feel I must warn the younger among us about:

Young people, there will, unfortunately, come a time in your life when you are inundated with so much damn paper concerning loans, debt, insurance info, tax info, financial aid crap, and other correspondence, that you will go out to purchase a large folder divided into specific sections to organize those papers. That isn't even the saddest part. You will be so excited about the prospect of sorting through this paper and putting it into it's proper category that, upon purchasing said folder, you will spontaneously think to yourself "YES!" with much enthusiasm. Then, you will feel very, very ashamed, and not at all rock n' roll.

My advice is to Die Young.