The first in a series of Bill's Business Tips for Workplace Success:

On the very first day of any new job, it's always a good idea to cut yourself shaving. Make sure the cut is fairly deep, and high enough on your cheek to ensure a good level of visibility.

This guarantees that you'll have lots of fun finding ways to keep the right side of your face turned away from all of your new co-workers whom you are meeting for the first time. For an extra challenge, try keeping an increasingly bloody piece of tissue in your pocket, and continue to find inventive new excuses for bringing that tissue out of your pocket to dab away the blood.

Ask yourself: Exactly how many times in one minute could a person realistically blow their nose? Try to figure it out, and then do it exactly that amount of times, plus one more.

Finally, when you're sure you must look like an absolute freak, lock yourself in the bathroom and confirm that, in fact, you do. Realize that gigantic brown crusty scabs can form on your face amazingly quickly. Marvel, then, at the fact that you are still bleeding in spite of this scab...over an hour after you shaved.

Raid the cabinet under the sink in search of something to dab on the cut and stop this nightmare. Consider cleaning products. Dismiss the idea as dangerous and counter-productive. Find that antibacterial hand soap, for all it's gellyness, only works for a few seconds. Try to convince yourself: Would it really be so weird if you walked back into the office with a fresh new band aid on your face?

Yes, yes it would.

Just as you're asking God why He feels the need to have His Almighty Fun with you this morning, find a little sample tube of neosporin, dab just enough on your cut to not be too conspicuously shiny, and stride back into the office, ready to take on the world and get back to work making this.

Again, ask God why He feels the need to have His Almighty Fun with you.