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September 01, 2003 - 11:19 am

Copying and Pasting Makes Entry Writing Easy

Job hunting can be fun, if you do it right.

For example, there's Craigslist. For those of you who may not know, Craigslist is a website that's like a giant, all text, classified newspaper. Serving most major American cities, anyone can post pretty much any type of ad they want there, whether they're trying to sell giant bison heads, hire an intern, or, well, trying to find romance in a very specific way.

So. In the course of my own job hunt, I always check the listings in the film/tv/radio section. And that's when I came upon this.

Now, ads by crazy new writers that beg for established producers to read their scripts are not entirely uncommon on Craigslist. But there was something special about that guy's ad. I couldn't tell if it was satire or not. If it was, the author gave no hint. I decided eventually that it probably wasn't, and, eager for a break from customizing cover letters, I wrote and posted my own ad:

"I'm not a writer, and I have no completed screenplays, no novels, and I'm not sure how to spell "genre."

For me writing is the act of putting lots of words onto tiny scraps of paper. I'm simply the conduit trough which the story flows onto, say, a torn up piece of envelope or piece of paper towel. I've always written just as a hobby, mostly directions to friend's houses. I have more ideas than time to put them all in text. My work so far is very high quality spanning everything from a project I just completed the other day, which I called "Allison's number." to stuff I wanted from Ralph's. I wrote down this girls number on a post it note. I met her in a bar, but I forgot to write the area code. Nonetheless, it was very moving.

If you are looking for someone with unique, powerful mind blowing ideas and the skill with which to bring them into fruition, then of course you are looking for people who post ads on Craigslist!. I do not write indie or art house type films, as I consider them "fruity," and enjoyed mostly by Jews. I like the big budget, intriguing, high action films, which white trash all across the spectrum can enjoy. This is the genaera (sp?) in which I write.

I know how to write compelling and powerful stories and understand what makes a film a box office success, and what doesn�t, which is why I'm here on Craigslist rather than an office on a studio lot. Over the last five years or so I�ve been able to predict every success and every failure, with the exception of "Lord of the Rings," which I really thought would tank, because there were foreigners in it. I write great story lines with no boring lulls, no disconnected events, and with an even smooth flow form beginning to end. Yes, I said "flow form." I keep my dialog trimmed to a minimum and poignant. Yes, "trimmed to a...poignant." If an idea, event, concept, occurrence, (ESPECIALLY an occurence!) etc. is not necessary for the story, then it doesn't exist. Some of my screenplays, possibly not all, for I am but a humble creature after all, are destined to become the next iconic films of the age, in the footsteps of The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, Bad News Bears, and also The Shining, Citizen Kane and also that movie with that Rosebud sled or whatever.

Here are the screenplays I thought of while in the shower this morning;

"Gawrsh Golly, Momma, Don't Do It!" An obese woman who runs a turnip patch in Arkansas suddenly finds herself with the ability to threaten the world when she comes across a low yield nuclear weapon. Will she submit to the authority of the handsome Admiral Gutch "Gutchy" McGutcherson or carve an independent nation from the American southland? Or will she be killed in a SWAT team raid? Well, she gets killed. (A guaranteed low budget hit. Endearing, funny, frightening, and mind numbingly suspenseful.)

"One Man, Two Man, Red Man, Blue Man" An avant garde (fruity, I know) theater performer faces madness when he is accidentally clocked with some item that isn't normally used for percussion, like, I don't know, a banana or something. He can only be led out of his psychosis by his one true love, an inanimate piece of PVC pipe...but which Blue Man will emerge? (Extremely unique trilogy with unlimited blockbuster potential. High budget because of all the paint involved, but on the plus side, if the actor dies during the filming of the helicopter scene, all we have to do is find another bald guy and paint him blue - think about it.)

"Death Comes Painfully" A charming comedy about a hated character with whom no one can sympathize that goes on a massive killing spree for no reason. My roommate called it "awesome." Speaking of my roommate, I think he sometimes steals my quarters. (Massive block buster potential. Also a series.)

"A Story of a Guy" Need I say more? Come on, just buy it. (Not a blockbuster, but a definite Oscar contender.)

I have more, but it's not like I'm going to tell you. What I lack is the necessary connections within the industry to get my screenplays read by the appropriate people, and the ability to get people to endure being within earshot of me for five minutes. If you are an agent, producer, or director on your way up in the business or established, with nothing better to do than troll Craigslist looking for script ideas, and are interested in a very profitable and highly respected future, than you should, nay, MUST contact me.

I WILL NOT SEND any of my screenplays OVER THE NET or even trough the mail, as I have nothing actually written, but I WILL SEND SMALL SAMPLES of colognes from magazines. It's a hobby, I collect them. If you are legitimate, moderately attractive (send a pic, ladies!) and serious, we will meet, discuss the issues, and work on a plan of action. I�ve had too many unscrupulous requests so unless you are already established in the industry, and if not, willing to meet in person, then I will hand you my screenplays (I am not entirely sure what I meant by the last half of that sentence...all of my brainpower is being devoted to my work.)

I am very protective because I've been hurt before. Why can't I just meet a nice girl? Why did Lisa leave me? In dew (yes) time I will be riding into the future with the best of the best in the industry, possibly on some sort of animal from the equine family. What I offer is a key to the gate into the A list world of movie making, but the door is so large that I can not alone swing it open. (see how I put the word 'alone' in front of 'swing it open' rather than 'after'? that's what we in the business call being obnoxious. i'm that good) If you are serious and have some connections, or at least live near a major studio, or are already established, contact me, and we will prance into the inner sanctum of movie making, which is on wilshire near that starbucks, and establish ourselves as the castle, or perhaps fort, into which everyone wants to enter, except those that have done us wrong. i.e., Lisa.

Once again, serious inquiries only. If you�re not, MOVE ON to the next post."

My post earned a few responses. Some people thought I was serious and called me an idiot and a racist. Others recognized that I was satirizing the serious post and wrote me to tell me they thought it was funny. One guy saw that I was joking and wrote to tell me that he had some "connections" and would try to help me out.

Even the original author himself wrote me. He told me that my post had given him a good laugh, and said that his posting was working for him, and that he was "farther along than he was the day he posted it." I wrote him back, telling him I was glad he had a good sense of humor and that I was happy I hadn't seemed to offend him. I then asked him if his post had been for real. He never wrote back.

Best of all, some seemingly serious aspiring film maker wrote me. He said his name was Phil, and he was shooting a documentary about people trying to break into show business, and he wanted to know if I would be a subject in his film. I wrote back telling him that I would be happy to, as long as he fed me. Eventually, the guy IMed me.

GODisaUFO: yo

XBill4: yes?

GODisaUFO: U serious about wanting to sell screenplays?

XBill4: are you buying?

GODisaUFO: i emailed u about the documentary

GODisaUFO: agents are gonna participate and eventually lots of them will see it

XBill4: im down

XBill4: whats to eat?

GODisaUFO: cool- well figure that out

GODisaUFO: u live in LA

GODisaUFO: ?

XBill4: yeah

GODisaUFO: tell me what ur doing these days? day job, school? what part LA u live in ?

XBill4: right now im looking up information about how to channel dead pets for a new screenplay im writing

XBill4: its a musical

GODisaUFO: ok

GODisaUFO: how ol are u

XBill4: i dont tell people that

GODisaUFO: ok

GODisaUFO: teusday we do the interview over lunch?

XBill4: dont offend me or this conversation will be very short, phil

GODisaUFO: did i offend u?

XBill4: this can all end up in a screenplay.

GODisaUFO: i suppose it could

XBill4: damn right, man.

XBill4: what do you know about 18th century mystics?

GODisaUFO: nothing

XBill4: typical

XBill4: will this lunch be filmed?

GODisaUFO: it would with ur consent- it is vital to the documentary

XBill4: so it will?

GODisaUFO: yes

XBill4: GOOD

GODisaUFO: are u ok with that

GODisaUFO: ok good- we agree

XBill4: damn right, we do, phil, my friend

XBill4: i just got a new screenplay idea

XBill4: i may need to send you a release form

GODisaUFO: oh yeah?

GODisaUFO: if u care to tell---

XBill4: NO

GODisaUFO: or u can save it

GODisaUFO: smart thinking

XBill4: dont worry about it

GODisaUFO: i can tell u know how to handle things in this town- the interview should be great

XBill4: dont kiss my ass, phil

XBill4: are you jewish, by any chance?

GODisaUFO: no

GODisaUFO: does it matter?

XBill4: phil sounds jewish

XBill4: does it matter to you if it matters?

GODisaUFO: the name is of greek descent - which im not either

XBill4: OH

GODisaUFO: doesnt matter i dont care- just trying to get to know u , what u think of people n shit

XBill4: fine

XBill4: youll find out soon enough, perseus

XBill4: EVERYONE will find out, if you know what i mean

GODisaUFO: meaning ur gonna be a huge success

XBill4: youll see

XBill4: Lisa will too

GODisaUFO: oh yeh - lisa mentioned in the ad

XBill4: youre on thin ice, phil

XBill4: dont bring her up

GODisaUFO: whys that

GODisaUFO: i didint

GODisaUFO: but we dont have to discuss anything u dont want

XBill4: thats right. keep it that way.

GODisaUFO: ok

XBill4: i like sushi

GODisaUFO: hmmm u wanna get sushi on interview

XBill4: not to eat

XBill4: i just like to look at it

XBill4: that will be the first lunch

XBill4: phil...

GODisaUFO: what

XBill4: why am i crying?

GODisaUFO: i dunno

XBill4: thin ice...

XBill4: title idea! one second

XBill4: ok, back

GODisaUFO: k

XBill4: so, as for Lisa

XBill4: i dont want to talk about her

GODisaUFO: k

XBill4: EVER

GODisaUFO: what kind of movies do u like?

XBill4: promise me we wont

GODisaUFO: we wont i promise u that

XBill4: stop talking about her, phil

GODisaUFO: about lisa?

GODisaUFO: lisa fomr the ad?

XBill4: phil....

GODisaUFO: i want to talk aboyt movies

XBill4: don't.

XBill4: black and white movies are crap.

GODisaUFO: whatr do u like

XBill4: whatr?

XBill4: cut it out, phil. i can tell when im being made fun of

GODisaUFO: i bad tying

GODisaUFO: typing

XBill4: youre pushing it

XBill4: i know asian women that would kick your ass for me

GODisaUFO: thats fine

GODisaUFO: i wouldnt do anything to yield an ass whooping

XBill4: damn right, "phil." damn right.

GODisaUFO: i dont like the quotes around my name- why did u do that

XBill4: im a writer

GODisaUFO: ahhh yes

XBill4: ill do what i like

GODisaUFO: of course

XBill4: drop the attitude - got it?

GODisaUFO: i dont feel i was attitud-ish

XBill4: im done. contact me in 15 hours

GODisaUFO: i may be unavailable in 15 hrs when else may i call

GODisaUFO: or email

XBill4: thin ice.

XBill4: 15+24 hours, then

GODisaUFO: okay

XBill4: yeah. it is.

GODisaUFO: email me at ur convenience- that may be best

XBill4: i dont initiate emails.

GODisaUFO: well ur one tuff cookie- okay i guess i will intitate

XBill4: during our next conversation, use the word 'inflatable'

GODisaUFO: why

XBill4: do not ask that again.

GODisaUFO: if i ask that again what will be the consequence?

XBill4: youll see. youll all see

GODisaUFO: bill i just want to have a great interview

XBill4: dont be unreasonable, philly mc phil

XBill4: i have things to do. get out.

GODisaUFO: okay- talk to ya soon

XBill4: dont mention her again.

GODisaUFO: got it

XBill4: good, chicken-neck. bye

I have yet to hear back from Phil.

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