Last night I dreamt my girlfriend was bisexual but too scared to admit it, that I was introducing my brother to Neil Gaiman comics, and that I was an FBI agent assigned to a small college town, and somehow, it all made sense taken together.

Can you say Oscar winning screenplay?!?!

Just kidding. Ahem.

Speaking of movies, I sometimes think about movie critics. I think about how pissed off they must be to review movies that they know, just know are going to suck. I imagine my beloved Ebert knowing and dreading the fact that he's going to have to sit down and waste two hours of his life on 'Tomcats' or 'Freddy Got Fingered.'

In that spirit, I offer to Ebert and the world my unofficial services as Movie Reviewing Intern. However, in order to set myself apart from the other movie reviewers of the world, I declare this to be my special twist: Not only will I review movies I have never seen, I will also make my reviews extremely short and to the point. That way, the aforementioned abominations, which really (probably) deserve no more than I am going to give them, rob us of less of our cherished time. Allow me to proceed:

DRIVEN: Yeah, I'm driven to flee the country.

CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LA: Come fucking on.

ANGEL EYES: I am dreading my next long flight.

THE BROTHERS: Should have been seperated at birth.

ONE NIGHT AT MC COOL'S: Guys who lust for a sexy chick. Finally, something new!

BLOW: It does.

SPY KIDS: Ground them.

JOE DIRT: Spade? More like a shovel, as in dig yourself a grave.

JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS: The Starbucks of punk rock.

FREDDY GOT FINGERED: It must be Canada's turn to embarrass the US.

HEARTBREAKERS: Yeah. OK.

ALONG CAME A SPIDER: Unfortunately, it didn't posion this movie.

THE FORSAKEN: 'Friends' meets 'Dracula.' When do we get the Gen-X take on the Wolfman? We're waiting, Hollywood!

EXIT WOUNDS: The exit is to the rear.

SOMEONE LIKE YOU: Artsy, hunky rebels who dress in Banana Republic!

It is my goal for people to one day see me sitting in a LA restaurant and whisper to one another "He is such a bitch!" Wouldn't that be delicious? I hope you found this helpful.

Oh, and, from the voicemail front: Kaysie is glad that my voice doesn't sound as "gay" as she thought it would. Hmm. Thanks. And, a caller babbled something unintelligible and then mentioned her friend Allison. Interesting. Finally, the identity of the previously mentioned Unknown Caller: Jackson, who apparently decided to have an aneurysm and leave it in my guestbook.