n o w p l a y i n g - s c r i p t b i n - f a n c l u b - s t u d i o

make love to the camera



May 15, 2001 - 8:27 am

Don't Delay, Apply Today!

Ah, spring has sprung, birds act birdlike, coffee is consumed, smokes are smoked, and FadeIn has emerged from his cave. It really is the simple things, boys and girls, and I've decided that if you're ever sad or lonely, just come on over here early in the morning and we'll make it all better with a pot of coffee, some pastries, and a sleepy conversation. This is a service FadeIn provides free of charge to all, because, as we say here around the office: "FadeIn is a webpage that cares."

(Cue music. CU of Grandmother-type looking sincerely into camera. Fade to black. Titles fade up: FadeIn - Your Psychic Catcher in the Rye.)

Ha cha! Sez, if your agency is hiring, have them call my people.

And now, back to our story.

Whenever I'm in D'Land limbo for a little while, I always feel compelled to recount the events you've missed. Not being one to resist my compulsions, I shall do so. However, I feel I must first address the ladies in the audience.

Ahem. Hey, chicks:

If ever you have felt the urge to seduce me and make me your own, you have a one week window in which to do so. You heard me right. From this moment until next Monday, I am Sally-less.

Kind of.

Thing is, she has a friend in town, her best friend, actually (or, in 14 year old girl internet parlance "BFF"), which means that I shall be seeing very little of my best gal for the next seven days. This means that it is 'virtual' open season on ol' FadeIn. I say 'virtual' because of my lack of interest in having even the tiniest fraction of my genitalia forcibly removed, which is no doubt what would occur were I to make it any less than virtual.

Therefore, I am now accepting resumes for the position of "e-girlfriend." Responsibilities include: laughing at my jokes, listening to me complain, nodding solemnly while I expound on arcane scientific (mostly astronomical) phenomena and typing torrid little notes that would no doubt violate my mother's advice of "never writing anything I would be ashamed to read aloud in church."

We don't go to that church much more, anyway.

Compensation and benefits: Constant reassurance that you are indeed the most beautiful girl in the world, sympathy and listening for all your problems, confirmation that you are (of course) always, always right, and, multiple occurences of mind blowing, time shifting, earth moving...pasta.

Yeah, baby. I like to cook.

So, what are you waiting for? Apply now!

Well, now I don't really feel like recapping the entire week. Trust me, it was funny, and you would have loved to read about it and all that stuff. Especially the part where Sally and I were walking to Navy Pier and a guy drinking some Starbuck's sincerely asked our advice on whether he should just go ahead and jump in the lake. It was unknown at press time as to why he wanted to do this.

Oh! Here's something: ABC will probably announce today that 'What About Joan' will be picked up! Yeah! This means you can expect more reports from the set in July! This means that I will be attached to a sophmore series! This means I will eat ABC out of house and home!

Mmmmm, Kraft Serices...

Last Time On FadeIn - Next Week's Show

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