I know why John Kerry didn't win.

There's a Libertarian senator with whom he should have run. Having this guy as his VP would have sealed the deal. His name? Jerry Kohn.

John Kerry / Jerry Kohn

Isn't that great? Doesn't looking at those names together make your eyes go, for the lack of a better term, all googly?

So, yes, it's been a very hard week for thinking people. Is anyone else just pissed at the "heartland"? The aw-shucks, yes ma'am, praise the Lord land of supposed morality and family values apparently, deep down, likes it dirty:

"In Kentucky, they refused to use even basic sanity as a litmus test, and reelected a guy with apparent late-stage dementia; in Oklahoma, they tapped a fellow who wants to execute doctors who perform abortions, who was sued for sterilizing a woman against her will, who pled guilty to Medicaid fraud, and who largely opposes federal subsidies, even for his own state; in Louisiana, they embraced a man who has made back-door deals with David Duke and who was revealed to have had a long-running affair with a prostitute; in South Carolina, they went with a guy who thinks all gay teachers should be fired; and in Alaska, they reelected a woman who was appointed by her father to the job after a spectacularly undistinguished career as an obscure state senator. And compared with the rest of the GOP Class of '04, she's the freaking prom queen. These are the stellar elected officials that the "heartland" has foisted on the rest of us."

So, that's who they like for the Senate, and, of course, they put ol' Bushy back in to keep them queers from doing them queer things to each other all official-like and keep us safe from the terrorist leaders who no longer concern him. Never mind them there lost jobs, obvious lies, tax cuts for the decidedly not poor, and a complete disregard for an international mastermind o' terrah.

So, Heartland: Whaddya need? What can we do for you? As long as we call it "family values" and do it in the name of security, can we "mandate" Bush to come down to Oklahoma personally and throttle a cardboard box full of puppies? Would it be cool if Cheney sodomized a young boy on live TV? Because, really, as long as you've freely chosen a government to beat the shit out of you and fuck you in the ass legislatively, you might as well have them do it literally. In for a penny and all that.

Well, I just hope you get what you've asked for. Sometimes, you just need to sink as low as you can before you realize it's time to crawl back up. Please, please, please, GOP: do exactly what they've elected you to do.